Life in passing

Wake up call

2011-08-23T04:07:00.000+08:00

If someone like a scary fairycomes in your dreams and threatens you to get back to blogging, you are leftwith no option but get working on it. I tried to reason with her but she won'tlisten and in fact as my reasons (read excuses) made her more and more furiousshe turned scarier. So I am back again, having taken a long break you wouldimagine I would have a lot to write well I kinda do but don't know how tostart.

So life has changed a lot, I amwell settled in a new city and enjoying my life by being awfully busy with workand in company of some great friends. I am staying with one of the closestfriends of mine, I have a great time when I am not working. Life's great so farbut now I want to get started with doing other things in life, there is so muchI want to do in life which I am not doing yet. Well had to get settled in thenew job which I am, so it’s time to get some more interesting stuff going inlife. Learning to play drums tops on my list of things that I want to do, comeSeptember and its game on :). Then the perpetual longing to travel never seizesto haunt me, seeing new places, experiencing the exquisite display of naturegives me eternal happiness and happy is what I want to be. Being a traveler iswhat gives me all the laurels that I have missed till now. Next what I want todo is read a little more than what I do(which is close to null right now, so alittle will also be a lot right now ;)).

As I have a lot of things to do Ibetter get going. But again since I don’t want to be haunted by the scary fairyagain blogging is also something I’ll do regularly ( I swear scary fairy, don’tcome back I am sure you have better things to do and many more people toscare).

Adios for now, I’ll be back.

As the tables turn

2011-04-27T00:46:00.002+08:00

Continuing from where I left, since I agreed that may be my habit of dwelling on the negative is getting more of its kind into my life, so to set things rolling in the right direction I make a promise to myself to be more optimistic and positive in life. I hope and believe that life has a lot of good things in stored for me and it has a splendid plan for me filled with grandeur and delightful times ahead. I have to keep my faith in the power of positive thought.

As a wise friend of mine puts it you got to believe it to see it and I know he picked up it from ‘The Secret’ but no matter where he infringed it from he might be right and I may as well give it a shot, after all there I have nothing to lose and lots to gain if it works.

So a better life awaits me as I embrace optimism and positivity. And the day is no far away when even I would be saying that I am lucky and life has been easy for me and nothings have just fallen in my lap whenever I needed something.

Let the new chapter enfold for the better…

A convert in the making

2011-04-26T19:37:00.001+08:00

My mamma says I need to learn to be happy, learn to not just be sad sometimes but be happy whenever you get a chance no matter how small my achievement is. My friend tells me to have a more positive outlook in life. And I know they are right and I will try.

In the past few months I realized I am becoming stoic, jaded will the downfalls in life I have forgotten how to just be, be at ease with myself accept the things around me as they are and move on. And now I realize life is passing me by and I am not having fun, I don’t really feel very excited when a new beginning awaits me, I was not very sad when I was stuck with a long streak of failures and bad luck. I was just pissed with myself, hammered myself for every failure but never appreciated myself when I did something well. I am just frustrating myself and then putting myself in the vicious circle of more failures and more hammering.

I complain that I don’t get things easy in life but maybe I make it like that by staying in the negative mode. Maybe I have such a strong belief that I will not get things easy and so I don’t. I have no one to blame but myself, so this time I won’t strain myself and give myself the scope for hoping for better things in life because I know I deserve them.

Now that I have an opportunity to break from the clutches of self inflicted misery, I should pounce on the opportunity, but since I am writing about it clearly I haven’t done that yet. But as my very wise mom tells me at least the realization is a beginning of a change, so I must act on it. I must get out of this negative spiral and give myself a chance to prosper. And now I hope I get all the help to stick to my plan of being positive and happy in life and make a life changing change.

Cheers to change…

Moderated assuage

2011-04-16T01:01:00.000+08:00

Some relief after all... its like the first drizzle after the scorching heat, but still not enough. Nothing comes easy and nothing comes full, its like a parts of an item being delivered separately but right now I am just glad at least the deliveries have finally began. But ideally after a long wait you expect it to arrive with a bang and life become super in a jiffy. But patience and some compromising seems to be the order of the day. And believe me I am ready for it too but of course heart wants something else, it looks for grandeur but what it gets is an EMI scheme. But I'll take it and also be thankful and wait for my full reward for another day.

ecstatic

2011-04-03T19:04:00.000+08:00

demolition underway

2011-03-18T01:22:00.002+08:00

Stuck in the sea of hopelessness and the worst part is I don't know how to swim. Need to be saved but I also know no one can save me and I really have no clue how to help myself, I am drowning and the sun is setting and the shadows are being longer. The day is nearing an end but the night is just beginning and it will only become darker, so I am not just in the sea of hopelessness but in a dark sea of hopelessness and so ill equipped to make it through the night. But I have no choice but to try to survive and I think this trying and failing is going to leave serious dents that of course if I survive.

In all this whats the most unwieldy part is that giving up is not an option, give up and do what, its like there is no other option. And this feeling of being trapped and failure is making life so hard and impossible to cope. Everyday is a depressive start to more depression and desperation, I feel cold and lost and occupied with sadness and frustration.

The biggest lose is the lose of hope, hope of a better day, hope of seeing through the dark tunnel but when the tunnel is blocked from both sides what do get but a trap of despair. I have tried to be positive and optimistic each day and also tried to pretend to be hopeful but now I think I am giving up. I am gearing up for the fall now but it won't be a big fall since I have been falling each day so I have covered some distance but still when I fall the pieces would be uncollectible...

"...hope can be paralyzing"

Caution

2011-02-27T05:29:00.002+08:00

We grieve, we rise, we cope or we fight. Everyday and every waking second there is a scuffle for survival or success and no one is at peace. Peace is just turning into a myth or an illusion, soon we will need a lot of expressive phrases to explain to the coming generations what peace and solace meant. Its a forgotten feeling and soon will be obsolete; but why are we always at unrest? Why are we just not happy with ourselves, our surrounding or our reality? I being the one questioning does not mean that I am all perfect and happy and at peace with all I am and all I have, I am equally a part of our struggling guild. But I am wondering and questioning because I still remember what it meant to be at ease with myself and my surrounding and now I don't know why am I in a battle each day with everything, I think all this is inching me closer to self demolition and a crash is coming, I can feel the tremors.

Always

2011-02-15T16:38:00.003+08:00

Just when you think that things can't get any worse... They always do

With you

2011-02-13T01:03:00.002+08:00

The most helpless situation is when your beloved ones are in pain and you can not do anything but just sit by there side while tears trickle down their faces. You just keep staring at them and wishing you could change things but you know the only way for their pain to reduce is with time perhaps a long time. And you start day dreaming that you can make time move faster, but you know you can't do anything but you can't see them crying too, you can't see them in misery. Still you just sit and stare equally in pain but may be your pain is different then theirs.

It was a 150 minutes journey to her place and she was sitting next to me her eyes swollen from all night of crying but the tears still kept flowing. She wept in silence and all I did was wipe the tears ones I did not know what to do. She wasn't talking and my attempts to start a conversation had already failed, so we traveled quietly. But when we reached her place I just could not see her. Her faced showed expressions of pain, remorse, fear and a lot more pain and the tears kept flowing. I got her home and left because I could not bear to be helpless and witness her pain anymore. I wish I could do something to ease the pain...

Losing someone you love is probably very painful and can leave you feeling empty, but I believe the void slowly fills with time and life, so keep the faith going my friend and know that you are not alone...with you.

holiday is long over

2011-01-29T23:38:00.001+08:00

We use to be different, we use to be happier...but today most of us are struggling with reality, trying to make something from the day everyday but failing and wondering what are we doing...There is a struggle in life everyday, the kind of struggle that comes when you are where you did not want to be or shouldn't be, but most of us are there. We struggle to cope each day and by the end we are drained of all the life; so when we were not here we were happier.

It was like being on a long holiday and it got to most of us that we did not want to come back. But we are all back, some still trying to find a direction some already on the roads they did not want to take and some on roads not knowing did they want to be here or not.

I am one of those who is still looking for a way to go, but I am devoid of options right now so when the first road would open up I would be on it but would that be the one I should be or will I be lost again?

And here we are...

2011-01-08T16:13:00.001+08:00

Another year went by and as we are stare at a new beginning new feelings sprout, new resolutions take shape in the mind (and only in the mind), new found hope surrounds us and things do seem better. And we look forward to the year with the hopes that something good is in stored for us and everything looks more promising. There is some hint of mystery, suspense and excitement but those feeling are overpowered by the optimism of every heart.

But as we march ahead, we need to halt and look back at the year gone by, take a good look at what we did and what we have become. As we move ahead we do need to know are taking the best of us ahead or the worst. A few silent moments would be enough to tell you that, because our inner voice can be heard if we let it talk.

And in this new year I hope to be somewhere I have never been before, feel gratified for what I have, feel happy for no reason and have job that I would love to go to each day. These are wishes for myself and when I write again next year I hope that I'll proudly write that my wishes have come true.

Isn't it ironic

2010-12-04T16:57:00.002+08:00

Looking for solace of getting what you wanted and it turning out to be exactly what you needed too...

But its probably asking for too much. Life has a bag full of ironies, and it keeps throwing at you one irony after the other. And today's irony is the one writing this has got neither what is wanted nor what's needed.
Wanting a lot and needing some, still getting nothing... and the other irony embedded in it is that may be not getting what you need or what you want is what is needed indeed.

So you see there is an irony in every situation...isn't it ironic!

ineffectual

2010-11-28T02:05:00.002+08:00

Search our hearts and not minds...everyday we try to find, the place that we use to call our home...

Though I look strong altogether inside I am week. I bleed from the within need more bandages. In the rain it gets cold need a shelter, need a blanket. I need to free myself of me, don't know what I am paying for, I am crawling to get out of my mind but it does not end, the endless hallows... I fight it out not to win but to be free; falling into the abyss, its time and I am alone in the darkness...its time its time...I am hiding because I can't take it...

Must be dreaming

2010-11-25T03:22:00.000+08:00

I wish I could just be a traveler, see the world, have no responsibilities in life, no big goals to conquer, no debts, no deadlines. Just living for the joy of living, exploring and experiencing life with each day.

I wish I could go see New Zealand, Greece, Brazil, Peru, Kerala, Egypt, Maldives islands, Norway, the Grand Canyons, take cruise to Alaska, stay in New York for sometime, live in Philippines for a longer time, visit mainland China.

But then after sometime I come to reality where I can't be what I want to be and start to wonder why can't I do these things and although the answers stare at me, I don't do anything about it.

I wish....

:((((((((((((((((((((((

2010-11-19T02:30:00.000+08:00

Just give me a job, don't make me make any presentations, don't make me make any business plans, no case studies, no research just a job without any feigning. I have reached a point where I have gotten desperate to be employed but along with the desperation a weird feeling of not wanting to fight for a job has also crept along. Its bad enough that I haven't been able to find a job but this is just worse; this way I am not sure how am I going to get a job :((((( One of the most demotivating phases and unfortunately the end of the tunnel is nowhere to be seen.
Just give me a job.........................I deserve to get a job by now.....................

Desperate times and patient measures

2010-11-15T01:01:00.002+08:00

Life gets you at the crossroads a lot of times and sometimes its gets you at a standstill. Let me paint a picture of the kind of standstill situations life can get you to. You are trying very hard for things to click but nothing works. You try all alternatives but to no good result. You wait for such times to get over but it just keeps on going. Everyday you wake up thinking 'okay things are going to change today' but slowly that optimism just fades and you wake up with the feeling 'oh its morning again what do I get up for'. You start to turn into a recluse, you start despising talking to and meeting people. You get irritated and demotivated. You just aimlessly exist but still fighting it out so that things change, because you don't want to be in this situation any longer. Somewhere you know you can't give up so you still keep trying still keep exploring all options but...
This a standstill situation and it can get worse.

But I am clueless about how to get out of it. And the only advise that always keeps poring in is 'be patient, something will click'. And the most difficult thing is to be patient in times like this because along with the exterior facade of patience comes desperation. And with desperation you end up taking whatever comes your way first whether its great or not so great. And I fear I am already there...

disarray

2010-10-23T23:35:00.000+08:00

I don't know if its just me or it happens with everyone else also, I feel like everyday life takes a psychometric tests. Everyday there are so many dilemmas to deal with and I have had so many of those in life that by now I should have been an expert at that but unfortunately I don't seem to have learned much. Its like if one problem gets resolved another one pops up and I need to do decide what to do right then else things will get worse. And me being me I procrastinate on taking that decision till I can. And of course it does not help but again even if I decide early I'll always keep thinking is it the right decision or not. So to save myself the agony I just don't decide anything till I can afford to.

Gosh, sometimes I hate myself for it, I can't even decide for myself what will decide for others, if I get a job where I would have decision making responsibilities. But again there is a difference in making decisions for yourself and for work. I think all my logic comes to play if I am not so connected with the situation. Well, anyways I am just getting tired of living in dilemmas each day and not knowing how things are going to turn out tomorrow. In short I am sick of the uncertainty that I live under each day.... I want some clarity and direction in life....well, a great job in Singapore would do wonders to my quest of some sense in life for now.

Walking for Sanity

2010-10-22T01:50:00.001+08:00

Sometimes you walk to keep your sanity while on those walks you sing to yourself, all the little things are gonna be all right, not knowing when will things be all right. When you are sitting unemployed in a foreign country with no loved ones around and no support from anyone maintaining your sanity also becomes a daily chore at such a time. And so you walk and walk till your mind comes to rest and for some precious moments you cease to think anything and just go blank for a while or just wonder how the hell do I get back.

On the hope that tomorrow will probably be a better day you push on, but again you step out to saunter again because because it eventually didn't turn out to be any better day than yesterday. I don't when to give up and pack my bags and leave, but I don't want to give to soon. I don't want to have regret of '2 minutes too soon...'

So when I can't think anymore there I go again on the on the walk again just to return the next day too.

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

every little thing is gonna be all right

2010-10-21T03:31:00.002+08:00

All of us move on, some can do it soon and some take their own sweet time. For some people packing up their bag and physically moving to another place is moving on emotionally too. But not everyone can pack their emotions and attachments with their bags and move on for good. Some slow beings like me linger on, still want to hold on to how things were yesterday, we are hesitant movers and do a lousy job when it comes to detaching. And people like this go through pain and have no clue how to cope up and face up to the new reality. For us many days are spend reminiscing over the happy times in the past and in fact on hindsight a lot of frustating moments in the past also don't feel so bad. But its a pathetic state to be in, the longer you take the more the agony.

Some people can move on so very fast that it sometimes makes you wonder two things, are you very weak? and for these these people who have so easily moved on, did you even ever matter to them? At that time when you feel even more disgusted and irritated with yourself and just hope if you were stronger than you are. But then you have to get stronger and deal with it...the sooner the better for you. No one stops, life doesn't stop when you stop, everyone just moves on and you are left behind and a lot to catch up.

Something that does not kill you only makes you stronger.

The fun Phil-ed time

2010-10-02T17:55:00.003+08:00

Its not just the beauty of the place but the beauty of the people which entices you, makes you wanna stay just a little bit longer and you never get enough of the place. Such are the magical islands of the Philippines, every day spent there has been an experience. Little over an year spent in this country has been the most wonderful year. My sixteen month saga at and the kinship with Philippines goes like this:

Even before we reached Manila the daily phone calls to decide which airlines to travel with, use to be quite bugging. And now that I know Saumya just generally talks a lot on all occasions even then I still can't imagine how he went on talking about flight tickets for one and half hours on the phone while my mom kept giving me looks and I kept telling Saumya I have to go somewhere and he still kept talking. But before we reached the stage of discussing flight tickets most of us had a hard time getting Visa with so many things to be done, it was a big hurdle that troubled Amrita a lot and delayed Tarun;'s arrival. The first time I met Chai, Amrita, Aseem, Saurabh and Sunil was at the Philippines Embassy and clearly Aseem and Amrita looked to be the most snobbish people. But I am glad my initial impression was completely wrong.

Finally we all booked the same flight because I got too bugged with the daily discussion about which flight to take and just went ahead and booked the cheapest one available and everybody else followed suit. My dad kept saying you guys can't even decide which flight to take and you guys will be managing firms, my only response was Dad that's why we are going for an MBA to manage the little things while the big stuff will manage itself...hehehe.

So now some picture will do the talking:

The first time we arrived at school. I don't remember feeling any excitement or fear, just the funny feeling I get when I go to a new place. Classes started with Pre MBA and I can go on cribbing about how much I hated LT(Larry Tan and also learning team later) and how much I hated accounting, accounting killed and butchered the moral of a lot of us. But the little ray of light were the two little SGV soldiers in our batch, who I must say have strived to help everyone ailing from accounting. When LT use to say 'do you fallowwwww' and all the lower being like me use to nod not knowing what else to do (but in my head I was screaming on his face No you ass I don't, cause you never explained it) and hide whenever he was on a lookout for someone to COLD CALL. And the worst part of the whole MBA was be the front liner, never in my life have I sat in the front row middle seat and I had to do that for 8 long months with a can group who I hated from the core.

With pre MBA done, while we felt some relief, LT was getting his master plan ready to torture us in term 1 with his bad accounting skills, so we started with Impasse with Pandesal and I knew it that accounting will definitely get me to an Impasse. But meanwhile the weekend scene started getting warmed up and some of us started to get out of our shells and letting go of our frustration out by partying hard.

So while the party scene was warming up, the term was nearing an end, the accounting book, economics undergrad book, stat book were getting old and we were getting tired of looking at them for long. Then came our first break and the first trip out of Manila to Mindanao happened and I regret the fact that I joined the trip late, but was still was a lot of fun, finishing up the whole bar was some legendary stuff that we did and I think the whole of AIM should be proud of us.

Well all thanks to Emile and Jo-anne for making all this trips possible and memorable. The pain they took to plan and arrange everything only humbles me.

So after a refreshing break started our term 2 which we all thought would be easier but was almost up there with term 1 and FM1 and FM2 troubled me further. All the sleepless night spend working on the excel symbolizes tough times to me. I sometimes wonder how the hell did I manage to take any finance subject after the torturous experience with accounting, FM1 and FM2. At that time LT's favorite dialogue use to be if you fail accounting you will fail FM1, if you fail FM1 you will definitely fail FM2 and if you fail FM2 you would have failed 6 credit in quantitative subjects and you'd be out of the school. Our day use to start with 8 am class of LT with his favorite set of dialogues and not one use to please anyone's ears or calms anyone's anxiety. Thankfully a well timed Baguio trip came along just to cool off our heads.

Then came the walk about time and me and Amrita took it quite literally and really walked about(supposedly running) around Manila Bay the only pain was it was 5 freaking AM. But a lot of people did a lot of interesting stuff unlike me shooting, flying, running marathons, cemetery visit and Pinatabu trip.

So term two ended somehow or the other and then came AC time and also the time when people went on exchange. So I had to go to Bombay to work in a bank, which was a horrible experience and my closest friends where going away for one full term. I knew term 3 is going to be a drag. But before that I had to survive in Bombay, two long sad months I spent there and the only comfort I had was that Dev was there and I was going back to Manila after AC. When I landed back in Manila the biggest relief was to see Jo-anne's face, I missed her a lot in term 3 and AC break, which wasn't much of a break. But in term 3 I think I just studied and did not do much other than that and saw a lot of movies and drank a lot of coffee. I think the staff at Kopi and Coffee bean know me pretty well by that time. All the peaceful time I spent at Coffee bean...aaahhh.

Term 4 had to be all fun, had to make the best of the last term. I think in term 3 and 4 you tend to take the studying part lightly because you have realized that anything can be done overnight and 'SO WHAT if you flunk a credit' attitude sets in. So the focus is completely towards having maximum fun and worrying minimum about anything else. MBA makes you thick skinned and a better procrastinator and of course teaches you how to phrase a simple sentence in complicated but impressive lingo. So in short you get better at faffing and giving motherhood statement once every hour.

So term 4 was a breeze but as we were nearing the end of term 4 tensions of job was growing big but even that wasn't stopping us from partying and traveling.

So this is how we enjoyed our time in Philippines and before leaving we had our family dinners, the official and unofficial photo shoot and the Grad ceremony. I must say the grad ceremony was beautiful and the prayer and speech were heart warming. And when I finally had to leave Manila it was tough and controlling the tears from falling even tougher.

The people and the place have a special place in my heart forever and I hope and pray to God that I may return to the Magical Islands of Philippines. And what I take along with me is a special bond of friendship that I made here.

Cheers to all of us and hope we meet again.

I don't know why but I want it...

2010-09-30T22:42:00.001+08:00

Living in the shadows of doubt, thinking every other second have I got my priorities wrong, am I acting foolishly by wanting too much in life. I want my friends around, I want my parents to be happy and I want me to be happy here. Sometimes I wonder have I never grown up, I am still in the stage where you give so much of importance to friends, because it sounds like a tale a teenager will tell. Won't the responsibilities of a regular lifestyle become too big in times to come. And I won't be the only one who will go through this all the friends that i want to be close to will also go through the same situation. They will get busy and I will get busy too. But I understand that, all I want is that over some long weekend I will get to meet them, at least once in a year. So even though it sounds foolish but I still treasure my friends. So if go back home I know I won't be able to meet them again.

I don't remember feeling like this after engineering got over and it was a 4 years course and this one wasn't even half that much time. What happened? I thought I was supposed to be more matured than before. Sometimes I feel I am weird and an idiot. I don't know what I am doing, all I want is a job here. But how I justify this is even if I grow out of the state I am in (state of hysteria may be) I will still have a job and other option and places will always be there for the taking. So even if I am acting in some stupid frenzy, if I look at it I have nothing to lose.

Now the problem starts only if I am not able to find work here and have to go back. Then there are new set of problems all together which I don't want to think about. And then life takes a very different kind of turn which I don't even want to imagine.

So in short its a sad sad situation.... but I am still hopeful; I am trying to be hopelessly positive. Never in my life have been so scared thinking any negative thought.

Stay positive sups stay positive, is what I keep telling myself. To the extend I believe I deserve a job here for all the efforts that I put not just in job hunting but positivity hunting :D phew its a tough task for a skeptic like me.

But in the as one of my friend put it plain and simple, if it works it out great otherwise at least you tried and it wasn't meant to be. But this one might be tough to handle.

And so it happens

2010-09-12T00:48:00.001+08:00

So Manila chapter will officially close tomorrow needless to say I don't want it to end but all good things come to an end. But again, in last couple of weeks something has changed, I can't really explain but I get the feeling that I have over stayed already. The associations and attachment people had are already beginning to began to blur a little. Everyone is looking at what's coming next, how life is going to change, which is natural but somehow I am not really there because I know for its gonna be an all uphill.

What has to happen has to happen so move on no matter where you are headed, will find a way somehow someday. Not all days are alike and so this shall pass...

Another September

2010-09-04T19:36:00.004+08:00

Last year at pretty much the same time I wrote about September being a month that gets your evaluative side more active "September's here"
and here I am, again a year has passed by and I did not even realize.

And today I don't want to evaluate my efforts I want returns now, I am aiming for greener pastures and some clarity now. Need things to get sorted out in life, had enough of complications now its time for rewards. But sadly nothings coming and I don't for long will the dry spell last...

Still stranded and waiting...

Agony Extended

2010-08-31T21:37:00.000+08:00

What do you do when the last hope also goes down... still keep fighting and still defending some honor while your self image deplores further. With every fall, you fall in your own regard and you are a goner already. Its a pitiful situation and you have no where to run but to a dark place you make for yourself in a hole where no hope prevails and nothing glows in there.

The world passes you by and you are standing where you began or may be you even took a step or two back. Not so long ago we were all at the same point starting another journey. But time goes by and things keep changing and for some a glorious path was being paved in the background and for some the world was just caving in.

Lights are not as brights as they use to... lights are not shining at all in fact.

When...

2010-08-31T03:41:00.000+08:00

When its not always raining...
When there is no one complaining...
When everything falls into place...
When you don't have to worry...
When you don't need an answer...
there will be days like this... but when. Life seems to be rocky and your best effort fails one after the other. All the parts of the puzzle still need to be solved...when. When will life get easy, tired and worn out of fighting every moment. Why should every stage be a struggle why can't things fall into place.

When everyone is upfront...
When its nobody's business how you want to live your life...
When no one steps on your dreams...
When people understand what you mean...
there will be days like this...

I have to be believe there will be days like this...got to believe there will be days like this...

Farewell's coming

2010-08-19T02:37:00.000+08:00

Farewells have begun and I still don't know where to go. The goodbyes are soon going to fill the air and the destination is not yet certain. Want to just run away to some unknown place and never come back but I just wish I could do that. I don't want to go back to the same old life which I escaped from but the reality looms to close to the dreams and drives them away just when they rise.

Uncertainties are certain to come every now and then in everyone's life but its really different when most of your life passes away living in the shadows of incertitude. When will I break through from this pattern, a pattern of thing blowing right on your face every freaking time. Why do I have to struggle through every time to achieve what I want and to make things worst most times I am not even sure about what I want.

A life of this sort sucks...

2010-08-05T20:22:00.000+08:00

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night

NO CURFEW...not pissed at all if u may believe me

2010-07-31T05:08:00.002+08:00

Lets define a curfew. According Wikipedia, curfew is one of the following:

An order by a government for certain persons to return home daily before a certain time. It can be imposed to maintain public order.
An order by the legal guardians of a teenager to return home by a specific time, usually in the evening or night. This may apply daily, or is separate per occasion (especially concerning dating), or varies with the day of the week (earlier on a so-called school night, i.e., if the minor has to go to school the next day).
A daily requirement for guests to return to their hostel before a specified time, usually in the evening or night with a doorman during the night, and improves quietness at night.
A metal cover for shielding a banked or unattended fire.
In baseball, a time after which a game must end, or play be suspended. For example, in the American League the curfew rule for many years decreed that no inning could begin after 1 A.M. local time (with the exception of international games).
In aeronautics, night flying restrictions may restrict aircraft operations over a defined period in the nighttime, to limit the disruption of aircraft noise on the sleep of nearby residents. A notable example are the LondonHeathrow, Gatwick and Stansted, which operate under the Quota Count system. airports of
In a few locations in the UK patrons of licensed premises may not enter after a "curfew" time.

BTW, none of them really apply. Hence its not a curfew.

The only fault of mine(as to what I think and I could be wrong) is being concerned. Is it wrong? May be... and I am sorry for it. And I won't do that again besides I won't be around to do that any longer.

And you know what my real flaw is, is being me, but believe me I am trying to change. I don't want to be a noisy friend, just a friend, should do, what do you say? Better to be forgotten than to be remembered as an obnoxious person.

A little too fuddled to write anymore, but its a question of how you treat a situation. And my last advice don't have too much coffee... oh shit I am being noisy again...gosh....hehehehe Bad habbits go awayyyy...

when life gives you lemons....

2010-07-22T02:40:00.001+08:00

When life gives you lemons and you make lemonade then certainly you'll be a person who has hyper acidity.... Life definitely has a way of getting back at you no matter how hard you try to get the best out of the most screwed up situation. May be you should be selling lemons instead of making of lemonade, sometimes its better to stick to the lower end of the value chain instead of trying to rise up. If you try to rise up higher that means you fall from a higher ground and of course you hurt yourself more... so "when life gives you lemons make lemonade" is a load of crap.

The shit load of exuberance or probably dope that Mr Dale Carnegie(Mr Dale Carnegie was the one who coined the statement "When life gives you lemons make lemonade" smart ass) was on, its all bull shit. It doesn't work like that and never would. When you are fucked up, you are fucked up. Its better to accept it and I don't know what to do next.... so when life gives you lemons I don't know what to do.

PS: Murphy is always right.

life on short notice

2010-07-11T13:14:00.007+08:00

Can you be provided with bouts of life every now and then, just to refresh yourself before merely existing leaves little holes in your soul...

According to the theory of existentialism an individual is solely responsible for giving her or his own life meaning for living with some passion and purpose despite obstacles and hurdles. But again this concept was coined in the earlier part of the twentieth century, a lot around has changed now and I am not saying that the concept doesn't hold true but its different now. We have now created a world where you'll have to be an outlier to be really living the way you want to live and have your own mission in your life.

Confiding in the rules now is essential-ism, and there goes existentialism out of the window. The concept of free will is slowly being dwarfed so now the midgets rule the world.

There is no purpose to life now, its just mechanical and revolves around living with the rules of the midgets who would not let you stand out and wouldn't let you grow. Although its ironic that in the world of the midgets the tall ones do not rule.

But again on the contrary - "While the world stops all those it can... it salutes the ones it can't..."

Got to keep on believing.

A day you are not waiting for but still counting days

2010-07-06T21:07:00.001+08:00

Last few weeks before reality strikes, I am not sure if I am prepared to go back to living a working person's life. I ran away from it a year back and I want to run away before it hits again. I have hardly anything to look forward to, the thought of having to sit in office 8 to 8 just makes me go sore, it sounds painful.

Everyday I see status messages of people running a countdown " 8 weeks left", "7 weeks left", "6 weeks left" some even go to the extend of count the time left by the day. I am not sure, are these people eagerly waiting for the MBA to come to end or they just want more and more people to join them while they are grieving. I don't know about these people but my hearts sinks every time I see a message like this.

I was happy living in my own little world here, emerging and then going back into my world off and on. I don't want to go back, actually while the school was trying to train me to face the business world with more confidence, I was training myself for something completely different. I was giving myself lessons on wanting a better life, a free independent life with no compulsions and no patterns.

I am really not sure what life holds for me after this but can it be bright???.... oh well I have my doubts

a dream compromised

2010-06-26T23:43:00.001+08:00

Got to have something within to drive you through the day and give each day a purpose than merely being and clinging on false hopes and expectations. A mission so big in life that you can see past all the emotional haziness without a twitch in your heart. They say a purpose that makes you cold and unemotional is not worth having, why not? Why not? the least it does it protects you from being hurt and battered, its like a cover and at the end you will be somewhere you were striving to reach.

Being emotionally dependent on people can be the worst thing you can do for yourself. A lot of things in life are temporary, the things you never want to be temporary are temporary. Nothing stays forever and we have to deal with. Life changes and will change you can sit and see it changing or can take control and steer in the direction you would want it to go. Its any day better than carrying the regrets of just accepting what came to you and never having to try harder for a better life.

We make compromises everyday and compromise our own dreams. So how much can a compromised dream give you...

Immunity from duty

2010-06-20T03:26:00.001+08:00

A sinking feeling takes over me everyday, with each day that passes by I inch closer to end of a era a phase in my life when I could just be myself, do what I want to and also realized my own potentials, my weaknesses and strength. Like I said a long time ago that MBA is like a costly SWOT analysis but it eventually has turned out to be a lot of other things so much so that I don't want it to end. And the only thing certain right now is that it will end. The life I've been living the past one year has had everything from killing stress to pure unadulterated fun. And I have gotten use to it so much that I don't know how its going to be after this, how will life be. The friendships made here are priceless and I know distance and time fades all the warmth in friendships, but I wish I could just hold on to what I have right now and not let it change at all.

The two months spent back home made me realize what I don't want for the rest of my life and what will I be missing if I go back. I wish I could avoid what awaits me. I am happy now but its short lived the reality is looming too close now, the dream is coming to an end and its almost time to wake up and fight to survive, fight to just be and fight to not crumble under the suffocating systems in place. Life ahead has just struggle written all over it and I am not up to it at all.

Wish I could avoid whats all to come my way, wish I could escape all the obligations I have. I am not escapist but its just the part of me which wants life my own way and on my own terms has become stronger over the year and now its difficult to silent it. That part me no more wants to compromise with life, it wants it all and it wants it on its own terms.

Disappear

2010-06-11T00:15:00.000+08:00

There should be a feeling of warmth that ties a family but that happens in the movies or in other peoples families. For me its a little different. I don't miss home and no one at home misses me. But I am a responsibility which has to be disposed, a person my father has to put up with of course an unpleasant affair for both of us. He does not like me and he is not my hero either.

So in a house like that I don't feel home so that puts me in a tricky situation I wish I could just disappear in thin air forever. If home doesn't feel home and you have no where else to go what do I do? I never wanted to be back here and add more to my own agony and their responsibility because that's what I am for them.

I curse my very existence sometimes and these are the times when I hate myself and feel helpless and I wish I could run away....well that's not hard to do...I guess I am on my way to doing that.

What's in the name mary

2010-05-18T01:16:00.000+08:00

Yes I can't remember names of strangers or people I won't see again or people I don't consider important. Its like troubling your mind for no good reason. But I don't forget my friends names, no matter how little time spent together friends are friends. And I do remember their names and sometimes their birthdays but again I can't guarantee the birthday part ;) but I guess people understand that after a few foul words.

And the friends who can understand and take my sarcasm and cynicism are always dear to me. So now you can expect a call from me sometimes. And you are the only Social Servant I know, I think it needs a lot of character and conviction to be one and see what you see everyday. Hats off to you the funny walking belly dancing social worker.

A city descended from trains to roads

2010-05-04T13:31:00.000+08:00

Mumbai a city so heavily dependent on public transport gets crippled when there is halt in the train services. A million commuters get on Mumbai trains everyday in the morning and in the evening. And when those million people get on the roads it chaos everywhere.

Last night at CST station when no trains where running and people where still stranded there at around 10:30 pm, out of frustration they got on the roads and were stopping every vehicle that was passing by and getting in it if there was space to get in. Not a common site to, to literary barge in any vehicle. Some of the vehicle owners were kind of enough to give those people a ride back home but of course most were not.

But its almost like when the trains stop running the city has been hit where it hurts the most, but as they say the spirits of Mumbai can not be damped for long, it will reappear but only when the trains start working otherwise the offices will half empty, the business will run at half their potential. And everyone would lose directly or indirectly.

On a parallel track all this just makes me wish I could be at a place where life is smooth and the only trouble creator in my life is me and not anyone or anything else.

Reverse Engineered to success - Shan Zhai

2010-04-30T18:22:00.000+08:00

One of the above phone is a hiPhone and the other an iPhone but you can hardly make the difference especially when you see someone holding a hiPhone. There is a clone for Nokia called Nokla, samsung is samsong, Motorola is motorora, blackberry is b1ackberry.

Its a Chinese Lexus clone, and there are clones for BMW, mercedes, Toyota, Mitisbishi, Rolls Royce you name it they have got. Its a chinese company BYD and the sales of its cars is on the rise.

Chinese have the cloning force with them, it would come as no surprise if they have human clones too(but again with their population they don't need to clone humans thankfully). This phenonmon of making look alikes is referred to as Shan Zhai in chinese. And it is becoming a huge threat for a number of companies. The companies who make these look alike products have an edge over the global players, these local companies are able to customize and localize these products better than the global companies. These products are cheaper and often of low quality but again today's generation looks for the most upto date gadgedary and believes in use and throw and buy more and more. For such a profile these chinese products fit the bill. Sometimes these are products turn out be better innovations and there are many examples where the company copying the original grew big and made a place for itself in the market.

These products are not just being sold in the Chinese markets but they are also being flooded in all thrid world countries and the sales in these countries are on the rise. Such cloning companies are becoming a huge concern for even the gaints in the industry. That is the reason product based companies should have a strategy to combat such disrruptive forces.

So what can a company facing competition by cloning companies do? One is to spot your future competitors early, its easier to stop the look alike making companies in their nacent stages than when they have made huge grounds. Companies needs to have a leen and efficient distribution and supply chain management system. The smaller competing companies capitalize on the fact that most bigger companies end up having slugguish distribution systems. Companies need to react to the market early, these early indicator are well taken by the cloning companies than the bigger companies in most cases. And thats when they really begin to rise and beating the original companies in the same areas where they use to rule before.

from hope to redemption

2010-04-30T16:48:00.000+08:00

Hopes of a birghter and happier future entices me, but they are just hopes I don't have a reason for being so opmistically hopeful. But then hope is what keeps each one of us striving for something higher and better in life. I want to be hopeful too, I want to believe that there is a lot of good stuff coming my way. I want to believe that my luck is about to change and its time for me to get my dues. I want to believe that no more will I get ordinary returns for my more than ordinary efforts.

I don't want things to be the same in life, status quo has to be left behind and its time to get on the fast lane and I think i am good to lead the fast lane. I have a bucket list of things I want to do and the first step towards getting anywhere close to achieving that is having complete faith in myself and my own potential, believing that i deserve the best for myself.

Somehow, no matter how much effort I have put in I always thought i wasn't really good enough and so I did not get the best results from any of endeavors. But now I am too sick of my own unfair attitude towards myself, I am too sick of just ordinary returns, now I want more in life. I have to rise in my own eyes, the time to look down upon myself is gone, I have to redeem myself from me....

lost again....

2010-04-18T14:23:00.001+08:00

When you build your life around something and it goes away you feel devastated but what if you don't have anything to build you life around? What if you feel you have no goals in life. Having no purpose in life looms to heavily on you, then what do you do? Its like empty and shallow feeling to be just going about your daily business not knowing why the heck so you do what you do everyday.

CRUX

2010-03-20T18:59:00.000+08:00

So finally another term of MBA came to an end. Three down out of three. People say term 3 is supposed to be most chilled out with very less work, but the kind of masochist person I am I took all the subjects that had a lot be done. I wanted to learn more and be knowledgeable, noble idea right? Like I start all new things telling myself oh I'll conquer it but by the end of it, its more about getting done with rather than learning from it.

Marketing research the crux subject of this term, knew nothing about it before the subject and know nothing now when the subject has ended. Even after doing a project for MR and giving a subjective exam. I have no clue what I did in the project and I don't know what I wrote in the exam. But the highlight of the exam and the high point of the whole term was none of us sitting in the exam knew anything and we were all singing songs in the exam. "Its the time to disco...", "Sari umar hum mar mar ke jiye...give me some sunshine give me some rain...". Has anyone sang songs in an exam I never did before this day.

Then we were suppose to rock the party but i guess that wasn't to be. But the term is over now and I don't whether I am going home or staying here; whether I have an internship or not; too many questions but no answers. I hope its the answers will come soon.

pudding head

2010-03-19T02:02:00.001+08:00

Its a pretense that people carry and you are never able see through it. You think you see reality but its no where close to it, you think you hear the truth but its just fabrications that you hear. The lies grafted in intricate ways to make it sound like truth that you cannot phantom. But at the end of the day you are being fooled and fooled royally. And by the time you realize you are already a certified chump.

But the funny part is that you should not even feel duped coz you've got nothing to do in the whole deal, actually you are not even remotely related. But in a very complicated way no matter what shit the other people get into you are the one who is the known fool and come out of the situation as an ass.

How many times does an average person repeat the same thing to realize that he was wrong at the first place? In a special case like mine even countless times are not enough. Its not the first time I have landed myself up in a funny and intricate situation like this. Ironic since I love simplicity I land up in other people's complicated shit since I don't have any of my own.

Ignorance and forgetfulness is the solution to my stupidly foolish problems.

fussy

2010-03-16T10:09:00.001+08:00

Its a week where if I am not efficient I would be slaughtered. There are multiple tasks to be achieved and as soon as one get over the deadline for the other is looms right on my head. But why am in such a crisis situation? Ha ha had a lot fun ignoring all the work I had to do for the last 9 weeks in this term so there was no other way this week could have gone. So its sleepy but sleepless nights and anxious days. And its just the start of the week but I am already exhausted.

But along with work there is added pressures of internship, following up on people for internships - its like knocking on a vacant house - absolutely frustrating and makes you feel like a beggar. So much to do but very little time and very low inclination to do it.

But this term procrastination has reached a realm never seen. And the best or the worst part is it feels okay, the idea that at least I am fun has grown big on me now than ever before. So, Friday is eagerly awaited and then some more fun.

"Its true hell and heaven are both on earth with Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday in between!"

Negotiations with life

2010-03-01T14:05:00.000+08:00

The kind of life we live today forces you to fight your way through. There are limited resources; lesser resources and more people needing them, the outcome to that is that you want to horde and not share. Each of us are fighting each day a battle to secure our space from being invaded and may be if we get lucky we can eat up someone else’s space.

We are so use to living like this that that’s a way of life now, you can sense the competition (I kill you attitude) even in a child’s friendly play. The competitive way of life has penetrated a child’s innocent mind too. Just imagine when this kid grows he or she is already under a million tons of stress. Nice world that we are building, screwing our own happiness and making sure all the others also lose their happiness. Misery loves company and we are making the whole world miserable.

We could have been a prosperous generation but we are greedy, greedy for more power, more money, bigger houses and better cars. All there is in this world we want it, and we will get it by hook or by crook. And we get it by crook. We are the crooks making more and more and crooks and what do we have a stooped crooked civilizations going down the drains.

Each day I get up and I know not all is going to be pleasant, why because I live where people are around and each one of us have taken up a task of making at least one person feel miserable. And our success rates are to boast of, we do get someone every day.
Kudos to us…

Lost and Found

2010-02-24T12:24:00.000+08:00

Missing inspiration to perform better in whatever we do is a problem a lot of people I know are facing and not to mention I am suffering from same deficiency. So whats the way out? What? You create a reason out of thin air or just make yourself believe you'll get some driver sooner or later and so you continue existing, feeling aimless and lost and low.

There is stuff written is by the way complete bullshit, about have reasons driving you from within WTF. But my problem is I don't have any internal or eternal reasons to be all enthusiastic about and believe its all good and everything is as it is supposed to be. Well, whats the proof may be its not all good it could be in fact pathetic, how do I know?

I feel like person who is lost and needs a faith system to hold on it otherwise I'll be just an aimless wanderer...

"Always moving but getting nowhere..."

Fight

2010-02-21T22:57:00.000+08:00

Life offers no sympathies or condolences for the sick, the poor, the weak or the slow ones. The rule is "You lag you lose". So keep running my friend because the race is not over; keep fighting because the fight is not over yet... so keep going in the hopes of it to be over one day but be sure you can't put a date on it on the calender because you never know what the future holds for you.

Its a web and you keep searching for a way out a way which just might not be there...

Healing touch

2010-02-18T12:26:00.001+08:00

When you don't feel too well the longing to return to home makes you feel even worse. The touch of the hands of your mother on your forehead has such a healing effect that no matter how ill your are it makes you feel better. Her mere presence around you does more to help then the pills you pop. I guess I am in dire need of that presence today, but unfortunately she is not here and this is not home.

Miss you mom...

Cupid Marketing

2010-02-15T01:54:00.000+08:00

As an observer and not being an active player in the game you get to see a lot what most people wouldn't see. Today was Valentines day and its like any other day for me but may be not for quite a few. Its a huge deal for new couples which is understandable to an extend and then its probably the worst day for singles in search of some one to be with. A day like this gets them face to face to the ugly truth. Its like that reality looms on their head that they are alone and then that thought grows on them making them feel worse and makes them believe they are always going to be lonely and so they torment themselves further and Valentines day turns into a worsen-tine day.

But my point is why should a day made out of media hype to sell flowers, cards and gifts make people(otherwise very normal people) turn abnormally depressive and saddened. Stupid cupid brings in more stupidity amongst those hit by it and those spared by it.

Come on grow up is what I got tell those saddened souls. Logic and reason is getting lost from the human race slowly. well as a student of marketing I must say that our marketeers are kinda doing a good job of getting them all. But as a race we are getting stupid by the day and losing all sense of purpose of existence. We are going down the drains for valentines what a pathetic excuse for existence...But again hats of to persistence of marketeers in making a different kinda of world no matter how shallow it is but a world it is...

Estranged

2010-02-13T15:11:00.000+08:00

Sitting with a blank head in an alley going no where and no where to go. The void has made the brain numb. Where do I go from here? I guess you got to wait and see to know coz I don't know. Has it happened before? Oh yes many times but every time it happens I still get somewhere so will I this time too? For that you got to wait and see but you will go somewhere coz you can't stay here and so you will move. And move you will again may be little knowing where you are going and where do you have to reach but you will move is the voice inside telling me. Moving is inevitable.

In an estranged world you need to know why are you here since there is no need to be here if you don't know; so find a purpose or cease to exist.

The rat race is not for you the voice says again...but what race am I in I don't know and racing for what I don't know, I thought I wasn't moving. But my be I am just wandering or may be drifting...

Thoughts are frosted and numb!

Ghost of a good mood

2010-01-26T04:36:00.000+08:00

Fluctuations, mood swings, irritations, anxiety, stress... you name it we got it all. Sounds like a promo for a grocery store. But life has turned out to be such that these feelings have become a regular part of our day. Not a day goes by without the interference of at least one of these feelings disrupting our peace of mind(if there is such a thing still left).

So how do we escape falling in the trap that life sets everyday to get us, how do I avoid these negative feelings? People say try meditation... huh. I don't want these bad feeling to hang around me, I don't want to learn to live with them. I want to eradicate them... got any answers????

Nothing to worry about, nothing bothering us, it all good... how would that be? It's like the unexplored dominion. And we are just living with the ghost of a good mood.

Professional Procrastinator

2010-01-19T22:33:00.001+08:00

According to Malcolm Gladwell(author of best sellers like a The Tipping point, Blink, Outliers) if you have to make something a habit you need to practice it for 10,000 hours. With my years of existence(more than 227760 hours), I guess I have more than fulfilled the criteria set by the 10000 hour rule. So not only have I perfected the art of delaying work till the last minute I have kind of become a professional. Operating in snooze mode is a way of life.

Does some good come out of it? Surprisingly yes, it allows you to have time for being lazy and having fun. Now, I know this is a debatable statement but I will stand by my word and will prove that what I am saying is correct(a skill acquired by less than 10,000 hours practice at B-school). Have you noticed whenever you have a lot of work to do and you switch on the television any damn freaking movie seems interesting, you find the radio playing all your favorite songs, you start finding other mundane daily activities interesting? In short everything other than the work you were supposed to do looks so interesting and engaging that suddenly your day becomes fun. So your procrastinating on one job gets you the pleasure of enjoying the rest of your day.
Hence proved procrastination is good for you.

Rebuttal to the above logic is welcomed. :D

Defunct

2010-01-18T20:56:00.001+08:00

Have we become a race which finds solace in sadness? Well, not the whole race yet but a quite a number have joined this cult and some don't even know yet that they have a life time membership to the Club of the Gloom-doom. But what makes us this way, it ain't natural to find sadness more comforting then happiness? In my 'uninformed' opinion I think we are turning towards opposite side since we are too engrossed in running after something or the other, we want something new everyday and then we get to the full blown operation of hoarding. Sometime we are successful at it and many times we are not. In this race to accumulate more and more we end up losing a lot, and then after a while losing becomes a part of the activity of winning over something new; but somewhere deep down the things/people that we end up losing (that may be more precious that current object of our of desire) hurts us more than the happiness we get out of conquering the new stuff. So the net is pain and not pleasure. But repeatedly practicing this losing game we become pro at it and then we don't even know and we are on the other side. The side where happiness is not happiness and sadness is not sadness...

Defying the Rational

2010-01-15T14:38:00.001+08:00

I have this habit of rationalizing and breaking down all dreams and wishes in to small fragments of logical entities; and then most of it sounds like a crazy frenzy with no sense in them. But I realized today that I am being so unfair to myself and my dreams in life. Sometimes you cannot explain why you wish for a thing but some where somehow it makes sense but the logic driven head can't see it.

The heart dreams and the head shoot them all down with reason. I believe when you desire for something there a reason which only your heart knows but you can't put a finger on it and can't explain it. But the systematic thinking brain doesn't let it grow. Probably that's the reason I haven't dreamt in a while haven't stargazed haven't let my dreams go big. But no more I have a secret place in my heart where mind wont rule, and my dreams will rule and grow. And so the dreamer is back.

“There are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other.”

So the mantra is be the one to turn dream world into reality by believing and trusting in one self and having the faith in one's capability to make dreams become reality.

So I have a little prayer to end with
May I be guided to my dreams
May I have the courage to reach for my dreams
May I have the strength to ignore what my head says sometimes and go with what the heart says
May I be guided to my dreams

Where is it?

2010-01-13T22:33:00.001+08:00

I am standing in a meadow and a cool breeze is blowing, there is a still lake near by, at a distance I can see a mountain. These is stillness is in the surrounding and it makes me feel calm and at peace. I stretch my arms and feel the breeze flowing through my hair and around my arms. I see far and there is no soul in sight but the beauty of the place is so enticing that you don't need anyone around. I don't feel alone at all I feel the place is mine and I belong here

The only problem is that I don't know where this place is...

What do you do when...

2010-01-12T00:26:00.000+08:00

When the soul should dive in the sea of joy but it only adorns a veil of sadness...
When the soul should attain fulfillment but it only discovers depths of emptiness...

When the mind can relax but it only flexes further...
When the mind can widen horizons but it only constricts...

When life has to simplify but it only complicates...

When living has to get easy but it only gets tougher...

When the final chapter in living is impending but the novel of life has a disappointing decline...

Mortified

2010-01-11T19:48:00.000+08:00

People have embarrassing moments in their lives and I use to wonder how come they could remember it even after years have gone by. Today I know how it feels and how the moment gets engraved in memory for good and it can keep coming back to make you go pink with shame.

The day could be much better without the last incident, in fact could be a perfect first day at school but that wasn't to be. Anyways now I think its going to haunt me for a while and people can make that while last for quite a while, but I really hope not. I am feeling shit embarrassed and disgusted with myself and I just want to erase this part of my memory; since that's not possible I can also wish for another impossible that I can go back in time and change(literally). And maybe two impossibles make one possible.

Wow in a deplorable situation I am trying to sound positive gosh that's not me, I think I should consult a doctor.

Interia

2010-01-09T23:19:00.001+08:00

First blog of the year and all I am feeling is inertia, because now I that felt settle and 'at home' at home I am supposed go to the airport in another 15 minutes. Well, that's life when you are comfortable in a place its time to move. But before I blame life its a possibility that I take a little too long to get settled in a changed place. I guess that's true and I guess the inertia plays a strong factor in my case keeping in mind the weight.

Okay got to go now the siren is ringing which means my dad is getting impatient to start for the airport at 8:45 pm for a 1 am flight :(. Anyways Bon Voyage to myself and good bye Delhi and hello Manila.

Good Luck

2009-12-30T16:51:00.000+08:00

So the year is coming to end in two days and so its time for some reality checks, what I set to achieve this year and where do I stand. No I am not the one to make New Year resolutions but a year is a long unit of time to bring in some real changes in life if you one wants to.

So the progress report is not that bad but it ain’t that great either like always it’s an average performance. Well everything I do is average why and I think its time to change that about myself. Well now sticking on the extreme ends of the bell curve pays better than in the middle where the crowd is. Oh so another thing to be actively working on in the coming year.

Next year will bring along a lot of new things and holds the potential to be a turning point in life finishing MBA, new job, new place and quite a few changes on the personal front can be a lot for a year so I am keeping my fingers crossed and wishing things happen for the better. So now its time to wish myself good luck.

The purpose

2009-12-29T22:40:00.000+08:00

The purpose in life is a biggest puzzle that puzzles me and leaves me speechless and with a lot of questions but no answers. Questions that keep shooting in head all the time and tormenting me when I have no answers to any of the questions. "Why I am doing what I am doing?" - this one is the killer the big daddy of queries in life and the all I have for this question is a sad smiley and since I don't know the purpose of my life. We do a lot of things in a day some make us happy and many make us sad, disappointed and hurt but we still keep on doing things in life but why...why do I do things when I don't know why.

In the bigger scheme of things where do all the things we do fit in, does anyone know? The feeling of being lost that haunts me is with me all the time because I don't know the purpose of existence. And the empty and hollow feeling that I get sometimes I can again blame it on the lost shit that's cooking up in my head all the time.

And the worst part is that I see no light at the end of the tunnel I see no answers coming from anywhere. And that's when I tell myself there is no bigger scheme of things perhaps and there is no purpose of life that we are here for and each one has to create a purpose for themselves just to have something to do while we are traveling around the sun.

Enriching

2009-12-27T19:37:00.003+08:00

The best and the most enriching experience is meeting friends after such a long time, and it more fun when the friend you are meeting has so much to add to your knowledge.

I met an old friend of mine and every time I meet her I get to see the world through a different way, so many things I never care to have an opinion, never bother to notice, she puts all those things in ways that it makes me wonder and see things in a different light.

Every meeting with her is priceless... and I am so happy to have friends like her :)

Back to where I belonged

2009-12-26T15:06:00.000+08:00

It’s a little weird to be back to the place where you have grown up and not do the same things you use to. In some strange way you feel connected to the place since you have spent years there and even in more strange ways you also feel alienated in the same place since you don’t belong there any more, you have moved on and changed according to the big city but this place is still there just the same. You start looking at the place like you are much better and ahead for the place; somewhere forgetting all the years that you have spent here and the days when you felt like you belonged here.

Now when I come back to this place, I am seeing it in a different light; this little town is always going to be in my heart because I have become who I am from here. Had some of my best of friends from here who are still sticking along with a cynic and a snob like I can be at times. This is the same place where I use to roam free on kinetic Honda like I owned the place, no place was far away to be reached. This is where I studied and had teachers I still look up to, this is the place where my school is, a school I am proud to be from. This is the place where I belonged and I still do but in a different way.

But again there is a confession I got to make I would not want to live here for good. Although this is the place where I grew up but a part of me also belongs to Delhi where my folks were while I was is in Karnal. And by now I have stayed at so many places that no one city gets my vote anymore. But if you ask me I would also not want to stay in Delhi. I want spend some time in New Zealand, then some time in Greece, then Singapore, then Florence(US)… Well the list can go on and the longer it gets the more it will edge towards being impossible.
Someday someway I will make it…

Its introspection time again...

2009-12-21T02:37:00.007+08:00

After whining for long about friends that are not going to be around in the next term, I think I am getting back on my feet now. The whining, like always was not working and I was just messing things up in my head, not realizing that its for the better of my friends who are leaving. So there is no point in being upset, life moves on, nothing stops. So why am I putting things at a halt?

Although this is the most logical way to think about the whole situation but I guess I was just not willing to do it. Every person has something driving them in whatever they do, then how did I forget what was driving me all this while and how did I become sentimental about the whole situation. Am I that fickle minded that I can just forget my reasons and decisions of pursuing this MBA? It just surprises me and at some level scares me that I can be swayed that easily. No more am I going to do this to myself. I feel so foolish right now, everyone has their priorities set, where are mine?

Like a saying goes "Never make someone your priority when you are just and option for them." this is kind of an over-statement for the situation I am referring to but it holds some relevance. A lot of people walk in and out of ones life that shouldn't stop anyone from moving towards their destination. And this brings back to my age old query what if I don't know where I am going, that's the reason I feel so lost and affected when people come and go. But I can't let myself be so influenced that I forget my own path.

We have a pact

2009-12-21T02:15:00.002+08:00

After realizing that I am not doing enough in my life, I decided to be more serious about the remaining part of the MBA and as has happened many times Mr Dev aka Mummy or Bhadku was also thinking on similar lines while he was 'Enjoying' the chill in Sakada.

So we have a pact to do better than we have in term 3 and as Dev seems to become very excited about a lot of ideas very soon he also plans to land in the top 5 of the batch which means he is kind of aiming to be a dean Lister for the remaining part of our MBA. I don't have any such aim, because I have realized all my aims at AIM have gone down the drain till now. So I all I am targeting is to make the most of my MBA and work on the things the I always shied away from. After the running a SWOT analysis for 8 months I guess I know my strengths and weaknesses so I'll at least work on improving my weak areas and strengthening my strengths further(Oh God this has already started to look like a reflection paper).

Before I started on this mission called MBA I had a few expectations in my mind about reforming myself in certain areas which would involve a lot of changes at a personal level. And I think I haven't really worked on changing those aspects but I am well positioned to change certain things now.

Should I go all out and list down the things I want to work in the coming months? Well, may be not but I do have a clear idea of what I need to do, for ones in my life I know a little of what I should be doing. Unlike most of the times when I am completely lost and lagging, for a change I know what I want to do. But the real question is will I do it or will it turn out to be just wishful thinking again?

God only knows... But we do have a pact.

Just a little prayer

2009-12-16T00:47:00.003+08:00

I feel like a kid today with a weird wish; I wish I had a magic wand which I could use for anything. Its not such a big thing to ask for right, I am sure so many people will agree with that... All I want is a magic wand what's the huge deal in that? Just a smile magic wand...

It's not even a selfish wish I will help anyone and everyone the only condition is I should like that person, that's it. See I am honest and I believe in sharing ad caring too(some of my friends have made me realise the importance of sharing and caring ;))

So it's a simple innocent prayer that I see no reason to be turned down.

Thinking on my feet

2009-12-15T00:45:00.003+08:00

Life can really get weird when you are expecting something and something totally opposite happens, then the skill lies in accepting the twist in the scenario and make the best of it instead of being dumb struck with the change. I think I am not too quick on my feet to respond to sudden changes, I have this need to dwell on the situation gone wrong for a while and feel bad for myself before I accept the change and act accordingly. I am really trying to get out of this self pity mode that I get in sometimes. Things can blow up on your face that's the truth and resisting it does no good to anyone. So instead of fighting the change re-assessing and re-planning is what is required and doing that quickly is what will prove your mantle. And I am up for the challenge of changing myself.

…Brave face on…

2009-12-12T15:03:00.002+08:00

I am going home, but when I return my few closest friends would not be around and for quite some time and by the time they come back the course would be almost coming to an end. And every time I think of it makes me sadder. I land up in a situation like often in life where I stand to lose a close friend.

They say technology is making the world smaller and flatter but this is nice to write but technology makes one dwell more on the fact that people are far away, it doesn’t let you accept the reality for what it is and live with it, it just makes you fight a little more giving a false hope or illusion of a bond but in vain before something in you gives up slowly, gradually and painfully.

I am tired of people walking in and walking out of my life, I am tired of making myself believe that nothing changes when every damn freaking thing changes. Every time I make new friends and lose them exactly at the time when it fun to hang around, I don’t know what happens but something inside gives up some more faith and hope. And the worst thing is people don’t seem to understand the shit in my head well, somehow I am better off if they don’t understand because if they do then they’ll know how foolish and childish (and not child-like which would have been better) I can be. And to some extend I seem to give people extra focus when they don’t even want it.

I am so sick of this feeling of losing friends (but connected virtually but I guess I am traditional person who wants people around and facebook doesn’t really add any feeling of a bond or closeness).

So all this brings me to the same old problem of finding something inside me to make me go through each day rather than other people because someday they’ll be there and someday they won’t be. All this has happened so many times in life, this sinking painful feeling is not new but I still don’t know what to do with myself (and all I end up doing is writing blogs like these where anyone who reads it thinks I have lost my mind). I still haven’t figured out why am I fucking up my life like this?
While feeling is that of something like crumbling inside I am still to put a brave face on…

...and things change

2009-12-11T10:18:00.006+08:00

When I return from the home, a few friends would not be around and this place specially the dorm will be so gloomy. My sarcasm will be put to no use, the people inflicted with the sarcasm would get a break for a while. Then you never know may be the edginess of the sarcastic comments might be lost by the time they are put to use again.

But I am just guessing but I'll just drown myself with work and keep myself super busy, get back into a shell and may be for the first time try and get some discipline to my life(my Dad will be glad to see that there is a word called discipline in my limited vocabulary, but he knows that discipline is very far away from me to be put to practice).

But all these are like new year resolutions - laundry lists keep growing and the guilt of not making a real attempt to achieve these keep building and I still keep churning out newer ideas of changing myself... But in the true sense nothing changes. All that changes is that the good habit gradually turn to bad and all the bad habit don't stick around. So all these years the bad habits have been accumulating...

Anyways, lets see how it goessssssssssssss...................

he he ha ha

2009-12-08T18:46:00.003+08:00

The countdown is on for the home bound trip :D And the best part is no one other than my sisters know that I am coming home. The plan is to surprise my parents and a few friends but I kind of have a feeling the plan is gonna blow up in my Face and my general like father will be super pissed at me for not letting them know about my change of plans. But I am hoping he'll get over it soon.

Difficult decision

2009-12-07T04:48:00.004+08:00

A quiz in another 3 hours and I am thinking should I start studying, since I am a little drunk the right choice becomes a difficult choice. And since I am in no state to study should I even try sleeping, if I sleep I will get up at 5 pm at the earliest.

Life is full of so many difficult choices...

I cant keep my eyes open now

Reflections...

2009-12-06T02:01:00.004+08:00

With the second term also coming to an end means that I am almost through with half my MBA. MBA was supposed to be like a break from a regular life of working to study some more, it's kind of a costly vacation. I am calling it a vacation, but I don't think it can be called a vacation entirely, there were a lot of hardships involved which is not really a part of vacation. But its a vacation in the sense that it has provided me some more time away from a hopeless life ahead. I don't know why but I seem to have no hope for a happy life ahead anyways that's a long and sad saga that can go on later.

On Dec 11, its going to be exactly 8 months away from home and the very next day I leave for home, haaa. Its kinda relieving. And in the last eight months where have I reached? Have I changed? for better or for worse? These question come up as soon as I think that two terms are over. But the answer to these questions are not so bright. I think I have not made huge progress on the personal goals that I had set for myself. I have not changed much and I have still not learned to overcome my weaknesses, they are still there. So even though I have changed, its probably not for good. It saddens me and guess what I am known as a grumpiest person around, I am sure none of my friends back home will vouch for it.

But there has to be a silver lining something good should have come out of all this? There has to be some change in me which is for the better, hmmm...echoooooo...oooooohce

STOP TALKING

2009-12-03T21:09:00.005+08:00

I need to explain myself a little now, becosssss I end up saying things I don't mean and then it impossible to make people believe that I dint mean it. So whats the resolve - STOP TALKING SUPS!
May be I should go on the walk about of keeping quite forever.

And another thing I am not mean but again saying so won't make a difference, so I'll just let that be.

To paradise

2009-12-01T11:20:00.005+08:00

I want to run away to a place where nature is at it's absolute best, it pleasant weather with a slight chill, there are people around but they are humbled by the beauty of the place, the breeze blows and ruffles the trees to create music, its green slightly sunny and no human noises. And my mind is dumbfounded with the utter beauty of the place that it can't think, it can only look at the view and absorb every detail of the place into its long term memory. I can picture an unending smile on face...

The count down begins...

2009-11-30T23:28:00.002+08:00

November has come to an end and soon we enter the final month of this year. Don't know what in stored in the future, what does the new year holds for us, but what I am sure is what this December holds. Its going to busy like hell, irritating at times and then I get to go home. And there again the uncertain part begins, I am not sure whether the trip will be relief or will create another upheaval in life.

Life in slow motion

2009-11-26T21:00:00.002+08:00

How would it be if you could alter the pace of life? Imagine a dial which you move and the pace of things in life slows down or fastens, how would that be? You can just stand at the sidelines sometimes and observe life or run along with it. No fear being left behind or running way ahead. Sometimes you could get through bad patches sooner and live the happy moments longer.

Would make a good X-files case... maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy beeeeeeeeee

Special Rights

2009-11-22T21:42:00.004+08:00

Preferential treatment, ahhh what do you know? Just get use to it, its your bloody problem if you have issue with it because it is in fact your problem not any other damn person's. If some other person gets chosen over you all the time its too bad for you but then at the end of the day you are the one who has to face it. The sooner the better. So either stop trying or get your expectation low so that at least you are not hurt for being turned down. Well, does that mean you are not good enough? May be or may be you are not hanging out with the right people, people who consider you their friend.

I guess some people can spend a lot of time with you and still not have a connection or a bond with you. Your absence might not be felt by them ever. This can seriously trigger 'no one cares syndrome' but truth is that you got to shake it off yourself, because no one really cares and you know the reality pretty well. No one for anyone is the name of the game GET USE TO IT.

Unquenchable Quest

2009-11-20T09:13:00.004+08:00

Never having to worry about anything in life... hmmm just a thought but even when I think about it, my brain just throws all the reasons of why its an impossible thing. There is probably not just one reason but hundreds of them perhaps countless reasons...but I still keep hoping and wishing. I wish I can either make myself so oblivious or so ignorant that I never have to worry about anything under the sun.

But its just wishful thinking(wishful thinking fool) I guess because again my brain is throwing reasons at me why I can't be oblivious or ignorant to life's hassles. Life is too important not think about, but again questioning myself is it really that important? How can I claim that life is so important when what I do day in and day out is just merely existing? If I am there or not there, will not make a difference to anything or anyone. And I would be foolish if thought otherwise.

So many people come and go in this world making no difference and their presence or absence is never noticed. Well, I am a perfect example of such a soul existing but not living. I am not calling for attention, I am perfectly okay and naturally comfortable living like a anonymous person. But my only regret is that I don't want to be existing for the sake of existing, life needs to have a purpose, some goal in life that drives you through the dull days and the sad days. A purpose in life can pull you through the rainy days and the sunny ones without dampening or burning your soul and spirit.

Silence nowhere

2009-11-19T21:34:00.003+08:00

Have you ever experienced absolute silence when there is no sound, no commotion and even the mind is at rest? It's a blissful moment. But I never thought it can be a rare thing to happen and the mind can be at some much of unrest. And of course 'no sound at all' is pretty much impossible to find. Silence is something that's so missing. There is always someone shouting, talking, singing, whispering.

Sometimes I just want to run away from the crowd and the noises but again where can I go? There is no sanctuary and even if I did find a place which is perfect(and nothing is perfect, so such a place does not exist) my mind would still be running and would be very noisy and nosy.

I am craving for some peace of mind but it's but its a temptation which I will just have to resist.

sinking

2009-11-18T19:31:00.003+08:00

I feel disgusted with myself, I don't know what I am doing. Making anyone cry is the last thing I would want to do, but that's exactly what I ended up doing and I feel like shit right now. I don't know how to make things better. But these are strange times and nothing comforting coming my way...even the things that can be taken for granted to aren't coming easy(breathing is like work right now, its said nothing comes easy in life I never thought this principle applies to breathing too).

I have a sinking feeling right now and I can't do anything about it :(

Trust no one

2009-11-15T21:04:00.004+08:00

How many times can you fool yourself, one day you have to wake up and accept the truth. How long can you convince yourself to live in an illusion and turn a blind eye to reality which is staring in your face? And the sooner you accept things for what they are its better for you otherwise, you are in for some unpleasant times.

Everyone has there agendas, hidden missions and ambitions and you like an ignorant fool, go out of your way to help. But the truth is you are not helping anyone, you are just putting yourself in a fix which you get to know when its water over the bridge.

So be cautious in choosing who to trust because everyone can't be trusted and most of the people don't deserve it.

Someday...Oneday...

2009-11-04T06:37:00.003+08:00

There has probably not been a single day in my life when I achieved all I planned to do in a day. Blessed are those people who have been able to put a 'check' for the all the items on their to-do-list. I salute those people.

These days my 'to-do-list' also has a task of 'do the above things --- PLEEEEEEASE', I am literary begging myself, but I still don't have any mercy on myself.

I can't even imagine how thrilled and proud I would be if I ever achieve this impossible task...But I am still hope and still trying hard to get there.

"Someday the sun is going to shine on me..."

What's going on...

2009-11-02T14:48:00.004+08:00

All night of working and then some disturbed sleep of a couple of hours and again a full day of working...wow isn't my life fun?

I am bored of studying, I am least bothered of the grades i get, then what drives me? hmmm... I have no clue what's driving me, come to think of it, its not even the huge investment that I have made in educating myself, then what the heck is it?

Gosh, what could be worse than not knowing what drives you, what you want in life and where are you headed in life. Its like all the important questions in my life are unanswered and what's worse I don't even know how to reach to those answers am I looking in the right direction or am I totally lost?

Shocking no more

2009-10-30T05:49:00.001+08:00

I ask myself can it get weirder? And the answer is yes of course it can, it can get weirder than I can phantom. But I tell myself don't give up you'll get use to it as it comes. And each day my level of endurance rises to survive in a weird world which is going higher on the curve of weirdness.

Stranger things keep happening and I am nearing a level where nothing would seem to shock me or surprise me...now is it good or bad? Well, I guess categorizing events in to good or bad is a bad idea(he he...)

center

2009-10-29T02:13:00.003+08:00

Eyes to see and ears to hear but what if you get to see more and hear more than you need to. All this extra information does nothing but disturbs you, its like you are in the middle of everything and can see everything that happens in different pockets. And you can connect all these random things. And the outcome is that you can see what the others can't. It becomes a shitty situation.

Moody people...

2009-10-27T22:19:00.003+08:00

How can I cope up with other people's mood swing? One day you are gloomy, one day your are chirpy, one day you need your privacy and another day you wanna talk. And what am I to do is figure out what mood are you in today and act accordingly. There is no consistency or pattern what so ever.

And if its a person I care about, it becomes even more tricky and tough to handle. So what should I do? The answer to this question is not with me. I am never sure that with the current mood swing the matching reaction to go is to leave the person alone or stick around and be supportive.

And then if I know I really care about the other person and the feeling is not so much mutual or the level of concern doesn't match from the other side then its a different kind of a problem. But in this one the solution is more evident, since the other person in his or her mood swing even if he or she needs someone around, its not me that he or she is looking for. So all I have to do is just back off, but its not so easy because I really care about the other person. So if I am trying to make the other person feel better that's not gonna happen at least not because of me. So I just have to accept that there is some expectation management that is required on my part to free myself from the oscillating mood swings of others.

Good Morning

2009-10-27T07:37:00.003+08:00

15 minutes before class starts, I still have to scan a mind map I made(without using any mind), have to have breakfast and also have to read for the 8 am class. And what I am doing blogging... ha ha goes to show how responsible I am or since it's early morning I'll try and be positive it can also show that I am super efficient and can manage to finish these little nuances in a jiffy.
Now coming to the truth, well both the options are correct to some extent to a degree I do not give a rats ass if I am not able to accomplish any of the items listed and to some extend I know I can manage to scrape unhurt...

plain negligence or reluctance?

Oh I got to go now... running late ;)

Sinusoidal life

2009-10-25T20:10:00.003+08:00

Feels like lull before the storm, its quite and uneventful. Something about Sunday evening that is so discomforting. And I can't put finger on what goes wrong but almost all the Sunday evenings are like this. Its almost like a sinusoidal wave with all the lows and highs.

But such a patterned way of living is bloody predictable and it irritates me (well, too many things irritate me, that's nothing new). There is something about predictability that kills the life out of life.

Why why why why.....

2009-10-19T03:59:00.002+08:00

Its afflictive when you wake in the middle of sleep because of nightmare...in cold sweat, numb and trying to get hold of the gasping. It sounds so much like a movie scene. But anyways it sucks even more when there just an hour of sleep time left and you can't put yourself to sleep. So here I am awake at this ungodly hour with now just 20 minutes left for me to get up and study after my SWEETdream limited my sleep to just 2 hours I am not sure whether I should get up or try some more to put myself to sleep.

Wow this is like a serious problem and to add to that I suddenly feel hungry too... huh perfect timing my dear digestive system. Sometimes I wish human being had no stomach that would demand food every now then...Imagine such a world, it would be free of all problems like poverty, terrorism, obesity... And if we remove the love for money also then its like walking in air world peace finally achieved(so the girls in all beauty pageants will have to look for different answer, poor girls...oh bad this ain't happening for quite a long time so poor us).

Hmmm...so sleep deprived me can provide solution for world problems ;). And if you think these are not practical solution, well what do you expect its bloody 4 in the morning and instead of me sleeping I am blabbing about the f***ing world's problems.

Diwali

2009-10-17T22:41:00.002+08:00

There days no matter how much of a nomad you consider yourself you still want to be with the people you belong, people who love for who you are and are always there for you no matter what... your family.

Its Diwali and I am missing home and I can think of nothing to do but blog my gloominess away.... but even this is not helping.

Its a festival without the festivities...

Bitter staccato

2009-10-15T23:13:00.005+08:00

Mighty vent for a meek soul... can't survive the ocean ridge. Essence lost in the interlingual rendition, brushed off to the nook of darkness, blight by the disease of poignancy, now awaiting the final demise to infinity. Elevate each day to choke and crumple but it ends today I declare it to... no more dying I am beat today.

In the mystified nous of mine I can't interpret the look today so I quit and rest, for tomorrow the muddiness will endorse again. And maybe I will depute again to cleanse the asinine someday but that day is not today. It would someday be the day when I'll be brave and insane to endeavor... but that day is not today.

Pro bono for the troubled

2009-10-15T05:47:00.010+08:00

There are different kind of people when it comes to problems and them so the Psycho graphic segmentation of these people goes like this :

-THE DOOMED: people who are plain unlucky and have a lot of problems (sorry fellows you are in a hopeless situation in a ruthless world with )

-THE ORIGINATIVE: they are the ones who are too bored in life (pathetic excuse of a life they have) so they create problems for themselves just to make things a little more happening (pump up the volume)

-THE PEDESTRIAN: they are the ones who have the knack of walking in to problems (the artisans crafting their lives toward eternal chaos)

-THE STICKIES: they just stay put and the universe conspires to guide problems to them (the inertia is too high can't run away, can't live with you and can't live without you too...)

-THE AMALGAMATED: they are the geniuses who have perfected the art of problem
dogging, these are walking talking problem sensor and attractors ( you should probably be good friends with these people but just never hang out with them just find their where abouts and be sure never to tread where they are)

Gosh, I should have got a better grade in marketing.

Jokes apart, so where do you figure? And ones you have figured your categories we can work towards graduating you to higher levels in the problem value chain.

Shocking no more

2009-10-12T11:14:00.004+08:00

I can't put a title to it!

2009-10-12T05:23:00.003+08:00

Blank is the feeling and not so blunt are the words...

Its like a gypsy with no mission and no where to reach, he only arrives and he only travels not chasing anything. No dreams to follow but is still a dreamer, no highs to reach but is still a bird that flies high. This he chose by choice but is felicity in sight? Its a question not only the gypsy but we all ought to ask. Its dubious, the answer; and makes him diffident on rationality of existence...

Another gloam arrives and again the rage of the seeker is choked a little more...

Complicated

2009-10-11T03:34:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you have to return to the place where you began, to arrive at the place where you belong...

Don't know how to start this... there are days you just can not live with yourselves and the worst thing for an escapist like me is I can't run away from myself. Suffocated with ones own self must be a disease because it sure does feel sick...

Lost but surely on the path to self destruction...

Better days or are they?

2009-10-09T07:27:00.003+08:00

Are better days waiting ahead or is this the best I get? Is this the best I can get out of life or can it get any better? These are questions that run through my mind sometimes, but somewhere I have already given up. I have lost hope for a better tomorrow, somewhere along the time I was waiting for them I gave up all hope. And what drives a hopeless person? I think its just existing the curse of the hopelessly living; no choice but to be...

Pretty depressing thoughts to be pondering on early in the morning but life is like that. Its monotonous, no thrill, chills or frills. But that's not because there are no up and downs but I have probably reached a stage where they just don't seem to effect me. But yes as the rule goes all the bad and sad things or events do get me but the happy ones just don't seem to effect at all.

Finance talks about people being risk averse I guess I am happiness averse don't have the capacity to take or get too much...

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

...caught

2009-10-06T04:18:00.005+08:00

Sometimes the significance and the insignificance of things just strikes you when you are busy gazing nowhere. Its like a realization that all of sudden grabs you with you only succeeding at failing. And if this happens at 4 in the morning when you have gotten up to get things done without distractions... you are busted. What can you do about whats happening inside the head, its more disturbing and difficult to shut it out then the external distractions.

And then strings of thoughts come out and one of them went like this:

Its October and we are already looking into the new year soon...Term 2 ends in December and things are going to change a lot after that. I go home in December, although I want to go home but the trip back home will harm the state I have created for myself of disassociating myself emotionally from people back home. That's just a way of self preservation I guess. I am so use to use to doing this otherwise I always am a stranger in the new place around new people and I can't connect with the new place, people and situation. So after after the coming back I will need to re-habituate myself here.

And it's going to harder to re-habituate since a few good friends I have made would be missing, our batch would be smaller and those left here would be further split in to smaller groups because of different courses each one would choose. And I think I am going to get into my shell again ( another means of self preservation, gosh its almost sounding like I am in a crisis situation). Then it'll be time for internships.. hassle of getting an internship here or back home.... there will be a lot of things going on. Somehow I will go through all this and it'll be last term and then the feeling of 'it's all going to be over soon' is going to set in and the struggle for getting some job offer in hand before we get out would be huge.

And once out of this school, I have no idea how life will turn out... its like an unexplored territory and thinking about it gives me chills every time.

Thou shall not fight...

2009-10-04T17:30:00.008+08:00

A lot of things we do in our lives are just wasteful activities but still we devote so much of energy and attention to them. And what's the end result, we drain ourselves of all the energy and lose part of our excitement towards life. Such baneful activities sap the life out of you and your will to keep moving forward.

And all the rules we have in our lives are actually to forestall such things from happening. All the "should not..." and the "should..." that we create are just to build a wall around us and keep us away from useless but still harmful things in life. But these walls are not so impenetrable to protect us from the wasteful activities.

Well, what can I do? As the saying goes "Ignorance is Bliss" I am sure someone more wiser and older than me came out with this quotation ( actually someone more wiser and older did come out with this quotation in 1742
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Gray
so a saying which has survived through centuries must be true :)).
Coming back, instead of fighting I am choosing ignorance for all wasteful activities. May be I will look and sound uninformed about a lot of things from now on but its still a better trade off for my own peace of mind.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. ~Will Rogers

Detachment/Attachment Disorder

2009-09-21T06:33:00.004+08:00

I haven't written this but I believe in most of what is been written below, I wish I could perfect the art of detachment.

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

No blues!

2009-09-21T04:54:00.003+08:00

Take a step back, take it slow and relax is the mantra for the long week... oh how much I am cherishing this weekend. Although there was this irritating FM exam but I was sitting in the exam hall just to get done with the stupid exam and get it off my chest and I feels so relaxed now. Its all over and every time I remember it a smile just covers my face( and it takes like a second for the smile to cover my face since I have such a big face). And the way I have been eating I think my face might just get even bigger. Its hard to believe but I ate for almost one and a half hour, ate so much that I guess the small Indian place had no food left. So much food amongst four people, I can so very well understand scarcity of food in some parts of the world. But I must say that eating good tasty food in huge quantities can give a high that no alcohol can give...the four of us were stammering as if we were a little tipsy...and the best part is no hangover the next day... ah, well I hope so.

Movie:The Count of Monte Cristo, is a must watch. I have to confess this is one of the most happiest I have been here. Nothing to worry about, nothing to do(even if there is I have decided not do anything) and no Monday blues

massacred!

2009-09-14T09:10:00.000+08:00

If words could kill IRR, NPV, DCF, MIRR would have killed me a million times by now… :(

fiesta!

2009-09-13T03:33:00.002+08:00

This is the first weekend in the whole of my MBA till now that I feel a little relieved but when I say relieved it definitely doesn't mean that I have nothing to do. There is always shit loads of work to do here. But I feel relieved because 1 quarter of it over. So the week till now is spent in partying hard even though I am under major budgetary constraints.

I hope the good times just keep on rolling and life if rocking...

Is it a hair pulling saga?

2009-09-09T18:21:00.006+08:00

Grass is always greener on the other side and when you reach the other side you just realized its wasn't grass it was Green carpet, that too a bad one....

Oh how much I wanted term 1 to get over so that the misery ends, did I know term 2 is going to be another bitter pill to swallow? Its a torture for my mind and soul, the bull shit is growing like bacterial colonies infecting more and more.

But I guess its high time I accept the different colors and aspects of this course in a stride instead of yowling about it because BS will be ever present what has to change is my threshold limit of withstanding it.

So lets see how Elastic can this limit be and may be along the way I change myself to be better suited to all facets of this MBA. Or perhaps some day dole out BS myself.... ahhh....nahhhhh.... not in a million years ;). But for now I think some one needs to watch out before the fury grows beyond confines.