Good Luck

So the year is coming to end in two days and so its time for some reality checks, what I set to achieve this year and where do I stand. No I am not the one to make New Year resolutions but a year is a long unit of time to bring in some real changes in life if you one wants to.

So the progress report is not that bad but it ain’t that great either like always it’s an average performance. Well everything I do is average why and I think its time to change that about myself. Well now sticking on the extreme ends of the bell curve pays better than in the middle where the crowd is. Oh so another thing to be actively working on in the coming year.

Next year will bring along a lot of new things and holds the potential to be a turning point in life finishing MBA, new job, new place and quite a few changes on the personal front can be a lot for a year so I am keeping my fingers crossed and wishing things happen for the better. So now its time to wish myself good luck.

The purpose

The purpose in life is a biggest puzzle that puzzles me and leaves me speechless and with a lot of questions but no answers. Questions that keep shooting in head all the time and tormenting me when I have no answers to any of the questions. "Why I am doing what I am doing?" - this one is the killer the big daddy of queries in life and the all I have for this question is a sad smiley and since I don't know the purpose of my life. We do a lot of things in a day some make us happy and many make us sad, disappointed and hurt but we still keep on doing things in life but why...why do I do things when I don't know why.

In the bigger scheme of things where do all the things we do fit in, does anyone know? The feeling of being lost that haunts me is with me all the time because I don't know the purpose of existence. And the empty and hollow feeling that I get sometimes I can again blame it on the lost shit that's cooking up in my head all the time.

And the worst part is that I see no light at the end of the tunnel I see no answers coming from anywhere. And that's when I tell myself there is no bigger scheme of things perhaps and there is no purpose of life that we are here for and each one has to create a purpose for themselves just to have something to do while we are traveling around the sun.

Enriching

The best and the most enriching experience is meeting friends after such a long time, and it more fun when the friend you are meeting has so much to add to your knowledge.

I met an old friend of mine and every time I meet her I get to see the world through a different way, so many things I never care to have an opinion, never bother to notice, she puts all those things in ways that it makes me wonder and see things in a different light.

Every meeting with her is priceless... and I am so happy to have friends like her :)

Back to where I belonged

It’s a little weird to be back to the place where you have grown up and not do the same things you use to. In some strange way you feel connected to the place since you have spent years there and even in more strange ways you also feel alienated in the same place since you don’t belong there any more, you have moved on and changed according to the big city but this place is still there just the same. You start looking at the place like you are much better and ahead for the place; somewhere forgetting all the years that you have spent here and the days when you felt like you belonged here.

Now when I come back to this place, I am seeing it in a different light; this little town is always going to be in my heart because I have become who I am from here. Had some of my best of friends from here who are still sticking along with a cynic and a snob like I can be at times. This is the same place where I use to roam free on kinetic Honda like I owned the place, no place was far away to be reached. This is where I studied and had teachers I still look up to, this is the place where my school is, a school I am proud to be from. This is the place where I belonged and I still do but in a different way.

But again there is a confession I got to make I would not want to live here for good. Although this is the place where I grew up but a part of me also belongs to Delhi where my folks were while I was is in Karnal. And by now I have stayed at so many places that no one city gets my vote anymore. But if you ask me I would also not want to stay in Delhi. I want spend some time in New Zealand, then some time in Greece, then Singapore, then Florence(US)… Well the list can go on and the longer it gets the more it will edge towards being impossible.
Someday someway I will make it…

Its introspection time again...

After whining for long about friends that are not going to be around in the next term, I think I am getting back on my feet now. The whining, like always was not working and I was just messing things up in my head, not realizing that its for the better of my friends who are leaving. So there is no point in being upset, life moves on, nothing stops. So why am I putting things at a halt?

Although this is the most logical way to think about the whole situation but I guess I was just not willing to do it. Every person has something driving them in whatever they do, then how did I forget what was driving me all this while and how did I become sentimental about the whole situation. Am I that fickle minded that I can just forget my reasons and decisions of pursuing this MBA? It just surprises me and at some level scares me that I can be swayed that easily. No more am I going to do this to myself. I feel so foolish right now, everyone has their priorities set, where are mine?

Like a saying goes "Never make someone your priority when you are just and option for them." this is kind of an over-statement for the situation I am referring to but it holds some relevance. A lot of people walk in and out of ones life that shouldn't stop anyone from moving towards their destination. And this brings back to my age old query what if I don't know where I am going, that's the reason I feel so lost and affected when people come and go. But I can't let myself be so influenced that I forget my own path.

We have a pact

After realizing that I am not doing enough in my life, I decided to be more serious about the remaining part of the MBA and as has happened many times Mr Dev aka Mummy or Bhadku was also thinking on similar lines while he was 'Enjoying' the chill in Sakada.

So we have a pact to do better than we have in term 3 and as Dev seems to become very excited about a lot of ideas very soon he also plans to land in the top 5 of the batch which means he is kind of aiming to be a dean Lister for the remaining part of our MBA. I don't have any such aim, because I have realized all my aims at AIM have gone down the drain till now. So I all I am targeting is to make the most of my MBA and work on the things the I always shied away from. After the running a SWOT analysis for 8 months I guess I know my strengths and weaknesses so I'll at least work on improving my weak areas and strengthening my strengths further(Oh God this has already started to look like a reflection paper).

Before I started on this mission called MBA I had a few expectations in my mind about reforming myself in certain areas which would involve a lot of changes at a personal level. And I think I haven't really worked on changing those aspects but I am well positioned to change certain things now.

Should I go all out and list down the things I want to work in the coming months? Well, may be not but I do have a clear idea of what I need to do, for ones in my life I know a little of what I should be doing. Unlike most of the times when I am completely lost and lagging, for a change I know what I want to do. But the real question is will I do it or will it turn out to be just wishful thinking again?

God only knows... But we do have a pact.

Just a little prayer

I feel like a kid today with a weird wish; I wish I had a magic wand which I could use for anything. Its not such a big thing to ask for right, I am sure so many people will agree with that... All I want is a magic wand what's the huge deal in that? Just a smile magic wand...

It's not even a selfish wish I will help anyone and everyone the only condition is I should like that person, that's it. See I am honest and I believe in sharing ad caring too(some of my friends have made me realise the importance of sharing and caring ;))

So it's a simple innocent prayer that I see no reason to be turned down.

Thinking on my feet

Life can really get weird when you are expecting something and something totally opposite happens, then the skill lies in accepting the twist in the scenario and make the best of it instead of being dumb struck with the change. I think I am not too quick on my feet to respond to sudden changes, I have this need to dwell on the situation gone wrong for a while and feel bad for myself before I accept the change and act accordingly. I am really trying to get out of this self pity mode that I get in sometimes. Things can blow up on your face that's the truth and resisting it does no good to anyone. So instead of fighting the change re-assessing and re-planning is what is required and doing that quickly is what will prove your mantle. And I am up for the challenge of changing myself.

…Brave face on…

I am going home, but when I return my few closest friends would not be around and for quite some time and by the time they come back the course would be almost coming to an end. And every time I think of it makes me sadder. I land up in a situation like often in life where I stand to lose a close friend.

They say technology is making the world smaller and flatter but this is nice to write but technology makes one dwell more on the fact that people are far away, it doesn’t let you accept the reality for what it is and live with it, it just makes you fight a little more giving a false hope or illusion of a bond but in vain before something in you gives up slowly, gradually and painfully.

I am tired of people walking in and walking out of my life, I am tired of making myself believe that nothing changes when every damn freaking thing changes. Every time I make new friends and lose them exactly at the time when it fun to hang around, I don’t know what happens but something inside gives up some more faith and hope. And the worst thing is people don’t seem to understand the shit in my head well, somehow I am better off if they don’t understand because if they do then they’ll know how foolish and childish (and not child-like which would have been better) I can be. And to some extend I seem to give people extra focus when they don’t even want it.

I am so sick of this feeling of losing friends (but connected virtually but I guess I am traditional person who wants people around and facebook doesn’t really add any feeling of a bond or closeness).

So all this brings me to the same old problem of finding something inside me to make me go through each day rather than other people because someday they’ll be there and someday they won’t be. All this has happened so many times in life, this sinking painful feeling is not new but I still don’t know what to do with myself (and all I end up doing is writing blogs like these where anyone who reads it thinks I have lost my mind). I still haven’t figured out why am I fucking up my life like this?
While feeling is that of something like crumbling inside I am still to put a brave face on…

...and things change

When I return from the home, a few friends would not be around and this place specially the dorm will be so gloomy. My sarcasm will be put to no use, the people inflicted with the sarcasm would get a break for a while. Then you never know may be the edginess of the sarcastic comments might be lost by the time they are put to use again.

But I am just guessing but I'll just drown myself with work and keep myself super busy, get back into a shell and may be for the first time try and get some discipline to my life(my Dad will be glad to see that there is a word called discipline in my limited vocabulary, but he knows that discipline is very far away from me to be put to practice).

But all these are like new year resolutions - laundry lists keep growing and the guilt of not making a real attempt to achieve these keep building and I still keep churning out newer ideas of changing myself... But in the true sense nothing changes. All that changes is that the good habit gradually turn to bad and all the bad habit don't stick around. So all these years the bad habits have been accumulating...

Anyways, lets see how it goessssssssssssss...................

he he ha ha

The countdown is on for the home bound trip :D And the best part is no one other than my sisters know that I am coming home. The plan is to surprise my parents and a few friends but I kind of have a feeling the plan is gonna blow up in my Face and my general like father will be super pissed at me for not letting them know about my change of plans. But I am hoping he'll get over it soon.

Difficult decision

A quiz in another 3 hours and I am thinking should I start studying, since I am a little drunk the right choice becomes a difficult choice. And since I am in no state to study should I even try sleeping, if I sleep I will get up at 5 pm at the earliest.

Life is full of so many difficult choices...

I cant keep my eyes open now

Reflections...

With the second term also coming to an end means that I am almost through with half my MBA. MBA was supposed to be like a break from a regular life of working to study some more, it's kind of a costly vacation. I am calling it a vacation, but I don't think it can be called a vacation entirely, there were a lot of hardships involved which is not really a part of vacation. But its a vacation in the sense that it has provided me some more time away from a hopeless life ahead. I don't know why but I seem to have no hope for a happy life ahead anyways that's a long and sad saga that can go on later.

On Dec 11, its going to be exactly 8 months away from home and the very next day I leave for home, haaa. Its kinda relieving. And in the last eight months where have I reached? Have I changed? for better or for worse? These question come up as soon as I think that two terms are over. But the answer to these questions are not so bright. I think I have not made huge progress on the personal goals that I had set for myself. I have not changed much and I have still not learned to overcome my weaknesses, they are still there. So even though I have changed, its probably not for good. It saddens me and guess what I am known as a grumpiest person around, I am sure none of my friends back home will vouch for it.

But there has to be a silver lining something good should have come out of all this? There has to be some change in me which is for the better, hmmm...echoooooo...oooooohce

STOP TALKING

I need to explain myself a little now, becosssss I end up saying things I don't mean and then it impossible to make people believe that I dint mean it. So whats the resolve - STOP TALKING SUPS!
May be I should go on the walk about of keeping quite forever.

And another thing I am not mean but again saying so won't make a difference, so I'll just let that be.

To paradise

I want to run away to a place where nature is at it's absolute best, it pleasant weather with a slight chill, there are people around but they are humbled by the beauty of the place, the breeze blows and ruffles the trees to create music, its green slightly sunny and no human noises. And my mind is dumbfounded with the utter beauty of the place that it can't think, it can only look at the view and absorb every detail of the place into its long term memory. I can picture an unending smile on face...