Life in passing

November has come to an end and soon we enter the final month of this year. Don't know what in stored in the future, what does the new year holds for us, but what I am sure is what this December holds. Its going to busy like hell, irritating at times and then I get to go home. And there again the uncertain part begins, I am not sure whether the trip will be relief or will create another upheaval in life.

How would it be if you could alter the pace of life? Imagine a dial which you move and the pace of things in life slows down or fastens, how would that be? You can just stand at the sidelines sometimes and observe life or run along with it. No fear being left behind or running way ahead. Sometimes you could get through bad patches sooner and live the happy moments longer. Would make a good X-files case... maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy beeeeeeeeee

Preferential treatment, ahhh what do you know? Just get use to it, its your bloody problem if you have issue with it because it is in fact your problem not any other damn person's. If some other person gets chosen over you all the time its too bad for you but then at the end of the day you are the one who has to face it. The sooner the better. So either stop trying or get your expectation low so that at least you are not hurt for being turned down. Well, does that mean you are not good enough? May be or may be you are not hanging out with the right people, people who consider you their friend. I guess some people can spend a lot of time with you and still not have a connection or a bond with you. Your absence might not be felt by them ever. This can seriously trigger 'no one cares syndrome' but truth is that you got to shake it off yourself, because no one really cares and you know the reality pretty well. No one for anyone is the name of the game GET USE TO IT.

Never having to worry about anything in life... hmmm just a thought but even when I think about it, my brain just throws all the reasons of why its an impossible thing. There is probably not just one reason but hundreds of them perhaps countless reasons...but I still keep hoping and wishing. I wish I can either make myself so oblivious or so ignorant that I never have to worry about anything under the sun. But its just wishful thinking(wishful thinking fool) I guess because again my brain is throwing reasons at me why I can't be oblivious or ignorant to life's hassles. Life is too important not think about, but again questioning myself is it really that important? How can I claim that life is so important when what I do day in and day out is just merely existing? If I am there or not there, will not make a difference to anything or anyone. And I would be foolish if thought otherwise. So many people come and go in this world making no difference and their presence or absence is ...

Have you ever experienced absolute silence when there is no sound, no commotion and even the mind is at rest? It's a blissful moment. But I never thought it can be a rare thing to happen and the mind can be at some much of unrest. And of course 'no sound at all' is pretty much impossible to find. Silence is something that's so missing. There is always someone shouting, talking, singing, whispering. Sometimes I just want to run away from the crowd and the noises but again where can I go? There is no sanctuary and even if I did find a place which is perfect(and nothing is perfect, so such a place does not exist) my mind would still be running and would be very noisy and nosy. I am craving for some peace of mind but it's but its a temptation which I will just have to resist.

I feel disgusted with myself, I don't know what I am doing. Making anyone cry is the last thing I would want to do, but that's exactly what I ended up doing and I feel like shit right now. I don't know how to make things better. But these are strange times and nothing comforting coming my way...even the things that can be taken for granted to aren't coming easy(breathing is like work right now, its said nothing comes easy in life I never thought this principle applies to breathing too). I have a sinking feeling right now and I can't do anything about it :(

How many times can you fool yourself, one day you have to wake up and accept the truth. How long can you convince yourself to live in an illusion and turn a blind eye to reality which is staring in your face? And the sooner you accept things for what they are its better for you otherwise, you are in for some unpleasant times. Everyone has there agendas, hidden missions and ambitions and you like an ignorant fool, go out of your way to help. But the truth is you are not helping anyone, you are just putting yourself in a fix which you get to know when its water over the bridge. So be cautious in choosing who to trust because everyone can't be trusted and most of the people don't deserve it.

There has probably not been a single day in my life when I achieved all I planned to do in a day. Blessed are those people who have been able to put a 'check' for the all the items on their to-do-list. I salute those people. These days my 'to-do-list' also has a task of 'do the above things --- PLEEEEEEASE', I am literary begging myself, but I still don't have any mercy on myself. I can't even imagine how thrilled and proud I would be if I ever achieve this impossible task...But I am still hope and still trying hard to get there. "Someday the sun is going to shine on me..."

All night of working and then some disturbed sleep of a couple of hours and again a full day of working...wow isn't my life fun? I am bored of studying, I am least bothered of the grades i get, then what drives me? hmmm... I have no clue what's driving me, come to think of it, its not even the huge investment that I have made in educating myself, then what the heck is it? Gosh, what could be worse than not knowing what drives you, what you want in life and where are you headed in life. Its like all the important questions in my life are unanswered and what's worse I don't even know how to reach to those answers am I looking in the right direction or am I totally lost?