Life in passing

So the year is coming to end in two days and so its time for some reality checks, what I set to achieve this year and where do I stand. No I am not the one to make New Year resolutions but a year is a long unit of time to bring in some real changes in life if you one wants to. So the progress report is not that bad but it ain’t that great either like always it’s an average performance. Well everything I do is average why and I think its time to change that about myself. Well now sticking on the extreme ends of the bell curve pays better than in the middle where the crowd is. Oh so another thing to be actively working on in the coming year. Next year will bring along a lot of new things and holds the potential to be a turning point in life finishing MBA, new job, new place and quite a few changes on the personal front can be a lot for a year so I am keeping my fingers crossed and wishing things happen for the better. So now its time to wish myself good luck.

The purpose in life is a biggest puzzle that puzzles me and leaves me speechless and with a lot of questions but no answers. Questions that keep shooting in head all the time and tormenting me when I have no answers to any of the questions. "Why I am doing what I am doing?" - this one is the killer the big daddy of queries in life and the all I have for this question is a sad smiley and since I don't know the purpose of my life. We do a lot of things in a day some make us happy and many make us sad, disappointed and hurt but we still keep on doing things in life but why...why do I do things when I don't know why. In the bigger scheme of things where do all the things we do fit in, does anyone know? The feeling of being lost that haunts me is with me all the time because I don't know the purpose of existence. And the empty and hollow feeling that I get sometimes I can again blame it on the lost shit that's cooking up in my head all the time. And the worst p...

The best and the most enriching experience is meeting friends after such a long time, and it more fun when the friend you are meeting has so much to add to your knowledge. I met an old friend of mine and every time I meet her I get to see the world through a different way, so many things I never care to have an opinion, never bother to notice, she puts all those things in ways that it makes me wonder and see things in a different light. Every meeting with her is priceless... and I am so happy to have friends like her :)

It’s a little weird to be back to the place where you have grown up and not do the same things you use to. In some strange way you feel connected to the place since you have spent years there and even in more strange ways you also feel alienated in the same place since you don’t belong there any more, you have moved on and changed according to the big city but this place is still there just the same. You start looking at the place like you are much better and ahead for the place; somewhere forgetting all the years that you have spent here and the days when you felt like you belonged here. Now when I come back to this place, I am seeing it in a different light; this little town is always going to be in my heart because I have become who I am from here. Had some of my best of friends from here who are still sticking along with a cynic and a snob like I can be at times. This is the same place where I use to roam free on kinetic Honda like I owned the place, no place was far away to be rea...

After whining for long about friends that are not going to be around in the next term, I think I am getting back on my feet now. The whining, like always was not working and I was just messing things up in my head, not realizing that its for the better of my friends who are leaving. So there is no point in being upset, life moves on, nothing stops. So why am I putting things at a halt? Although this is the most logical way to think about the whole situation but I guess I was just not willing to do it. Every person has something driving them in whatever they do, then how did I forget what was driving me all this while and how did I become sentimental about the whole situation. Am I that fickle minded that I can just forget my reasons and decisions of pursuing this MBA? It just surprises me and at some level scares me that I can be swayed that easily. No more am I going to do this to myself. I feel so foolish right now, everyone has their priorities set, where are mine? Like a saying go...

After realizing that I am not doing enough in my life, I decided to be more serious about the remaining part of the MBA and as has happened many times Mr Dev aka Mummy or Bhadku was also thinking on similar lines while he was 'Enjoying' the chill in Sakada. So we have a pact to do better than we have in term 3 and as Dev seems to become very excited about a lot of ideas very soon he also plans to land in the top 5 of the batch which means he is kind of aiming to be a dean Lister for the remaining part of our MBA. I don't have any such aim, because I have realized all my aims at AIM have gone down the drain till now. So I all I am targeting is to make the most of my MBA and work on the things the I always shied away from. After the running a SWOT analysis for 8 months I guess I know my strengths and weaknesses so I'll at least work on improving my weak areas and strengthening my strengths further(Oh God this has already started to look like a reflection paper). Before I ...

I feel like a kid today with a weird wish; I wish I had a magic wand which I could use for anything. Its not such a big thing to ask for right, I am sure so many people will agree with that... All I want is a magic wand what's the huge deal in that? Just a smile magic wand... It's not even a selfish wish I will help anyone and everyone the only condition is I should like that person, that's it. See I am honest and I believe in sharing ad caring too(some of my friends have made me realise the importance of sharing and caring ;)) So it's a simple innocent prayer that I see no reason to be turned down.

Life can really get weird when you are expecting something and something totally opposite happens, then the skill lies in accepting the twist in the scenario and make the best of it instead of being dumb struck with the change. I think I am not too quick on my feet to respond to sudden changes, I have this need to dwell on the situation gone wrong for a while and feel bad for myself before I accept the change and act accordingly. I am really trying to get out of this self pity mode that I get in sometimes. Things can blow up on your face that's the truth and resisting it does no good to anyone. So instead of fighting the change re-assessing and re-planning is what is required and doing that quickly is what will prove your mantle. And I am up for the challenge of changing myself.

I am going home, but when I return my few closest friends would not be around and for quite some time and by the time they come back the course would be almost coming to an end. And every time I think of it makes me sadder. I land up in a situation like often in life where I stand to lose a close friend. They say technology is making the world smaller and flatter but this is nice to write but technology makes one dwell more on the fact that people are far away, it doesn’t let you accept the reality for what it is and live with it, it just makes you fight a little more giving a false hope or illusion of a bond but in vain before something in you gives up slowly, gradually and painfully. I am tired of people walking in and walking out of my life, I am tired of making myself believe that nothing changes when every damn freaking thing changes. Every time I make new friends and lose them exactly at the time when it fun to hang around, I don’t know what happens but something inside gives up ...

When I return from the home, a few friends would not be around and this place specially the dorm will be so gloomy. My sarcasm will be put to no use, the people inflicted with the sarcasm would get a break for a while. Then you never know may be the edginess of the sarcastic comments might be lost by the time they are put to use again. But I am just guessing but I'll just drown myself with work and keep myself super busy, get back into a shell and may be for the first time try and get some discipline to my life(my Dad will be glad to see that there is a word called discipline in my limited vocabulary, but he knows that discipline is very far away from me to be put to practice). But all these are like new year resolutions - laundry lists keep growing and the guilt of not making a real attempt to achieve these keep building and I still keep churning out newer ideas of changing myself... But in the true sense nothing changes. All that changes is that the good habit gradually turn to b...

The countdown is on for the home bound trip :D And the best part is no one other than my sisters know that I am coming home. The plan is to surprise my parents and a few friends but I kind of have a feeling the plan is gonna blow up in my Face and my general like father will be super pissed at me for not letting them know about my change of plans. But I am hoping he'll get over it soon.

A quiz in another 3 hours and I am thinking should I start studying, since I am a little drunk the right choice becomes a difficult choice. And since I am in no state to study should I even try sleeping, if I sleep I will get up at 5 pm at the earliest. Life is full of so many difficult choices... I cant keep my eyes open now

With the second term also coming to an end means that I am almost through with half my MBA. MBA was supposed to be like a break from a regular life of working to study some more, it's kind of a costly vacation. I am calling it a vacation, but I don't think it can be called a vacation entirely, there were a lot of hardships involved which is not really a part of vacation. But its a vacation in the sense that it has provided me some more time away from a hopeless life ahead. I don't know why but I seem to have no hope for a happy life ahead anyways that's a long and sad saga that can go on later. On Dec 11, its going to be exactly 8 months away from home and the very next day I leave for home, haaa. Its kinda relieving. And in the last eight months where have I reached? Have I changed? for better or for worse? These question come up as soon as I think that two terms are over. But the answer to these questions are not so bright. I think I have not made huge progress on the...

I need to explain myself a little now, becosssss I end up saying things I don't mean and then it impossible to make people believe that I dint mean it. So whats the resolve - STOP TALKING SUPS! May be I should go on the walk about of keeping quite forever. And another thing I am not mean but again saying so won't make a difference, so I'll just let that be.

I want to run away to a place where nature is at it's absolute best, it pleasant weather with a slight chill, there are people around but they are humbled by the beauty of the place, the breeze blows and ruffles the trees to create music, its green slightly sunny and no human noises. And my mind is dumbfounded with the utter beauty of the place that it can't think, it can only look at the view and absorb every detail of the place into its long term memory. I can picture an unending smile on face...

November has come to an end and soon we enter the final month of this year. Don't know what in stored in the future, what does the new year holds for us, but what I am sure is what this December holds. Its going to busy like hell, irritating at times and then I get to go home. And there again the uncertain part begins, I am not sure whether the trip will be relief or will create another upheaval in life.

How would it be if you could alter the pace of life? Imagine a dial which you move and the pace of things in life slows down or fastens, how would that be? You can just stand at the sidelines sometimes and observe life or run along with it. No fear being left behind or running way ahead. Sometimes you could get through bad patches sooner and live the happy moments longer. Would make a good X-files case... maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy beeeeeeeeee

Preferential treatment, ahhh what do you know? Just get use to it, its your bloody problem if you have issue with it because it is in fact your problem not any other damn person's. If some other person gets chosen over you all the time its too bad for you but then at the end of the day you are the one who has to face it. The sooner the better. So either stop trying or get your expectation low so that at least you are not hurt for being turned down. Well, does that mean you are not good enough? May be or may be you are not hanging out with the right people, people who consider you their friend. I guess some people can spend a lot of time with you and still not have a connection or a bond with you. Your absence might not be felt by them ever. This can seriously trigger 'no one cares syndrome' but truth is that you got to shake it off yourself, because no one really cares and you know the reality pretty well. No one for anyone is the name of the game GET USE TO IT.

Never having to worry about anything in life... hmmm just a thought but even when I think about it, my brain just throws all the reasons of why its an impossible thing. There is probably not just one reason but hundreds of them perhaps countless reasons...but I still keep hoping and wishing. I wish I can either make myself so oblivious or so ignorant that I never have to worry about anything under the sun. But its just wishful thinking(wishful thinking fool) I guess because again my brain is throwing reasons at me why I can't be oblivious or ignorant to life's hassles. Life is too important not think about, but again questioning myself is it really that important? How can I claim that life is so important when what I do day in and day out is just merely existing? If I am there or not there, will not make a difference to anything or anyone. And I would be foolish if thought otherwise. So many people come and go in this world making no difference and their presence or absence is ...

Have you ever experienced absolute silence when there is no sound, no commotion and even the mind is at rest? It's a blissful moment. But I never thought it can be a rare thing to happen and the mind can be at some much of unrest. And of course 'no sound at all' is pretty much impossible to find. Silence is something that's so missing. There is always someone shouting, talking, singing, whispering. Sometimes I just want to run away from the crowd and the noises but again where can I go? There is no sanctuary and even if I did find a place which is perfect(and nothing is perfect, so such a place does not exist) my mind would still be running and would be very noisy and nosy. I am craving for some peace of mind but it's but its a temptation which I will just have to resist.

I feel disgusted with myself, I don't know what I am doing. Making anyone cry is the last thing I would want to do, but that's exactly what I ended up doing and I feel like shit right now. I don't know how to make things better. But these are strange times and nothing comforting coming my way...even the things that can be taken for granted to aren't coming easy(breathing is like work right now, its said nothing comes easy in life I never thought this principle applies to breathing too). I have a sinking feeling right now and I can't do anything about it :(

How many times can you fool yourself, one day you have to wake up and accept the truth. How long can you convince yourself to live in an illusion and turn a blind eye to reality which is staring in your face? And the sooner you accept things for what they are its better for you otherwise, you are in for some unpleasant times. Everyone has there agendas, hidden missions and ambitions and you like an ignorant fool, go out of your way to help. But the truth is you are not helping anyone, you are just putting yourself in a fix which you get to know when its water over the bridge. So be cautious in choosing who to trust because everyone can't be trusted and most of the people don't deserve it.

There has probably not been a single day in my life when I achieved all I planned to do in a day. Blessed are those people who have been able to put a 'check' for the all the items on their to-do-list. I salute those people. These days my 'to-do-list' also has a task of 'do the above things --- PLEEEEEEASE', I am literary begging myself, but I still don't have any mercy on myself. I can't even imagine how thrilled and proud I would be if I ever achieve this impossible task...But I am still hope and still trying hard to get there. "Someday the sun is going to shine on me..."

All night of working and then some disturbed sleep of a couple of hours and again a full day of working...wow isn't my life fun? I am bored of studying, I am least bothered of the grades i get, then what drives me? hmmm... I have no clue what's driving me, come to think of it, its not even the huge investment that I have made in educating myself, then what the heck is it? Gosh, what could be worse than not knowing what drives you, what you want in life and where are you headed in life. Its like all the important questions in my life are unanswered and what's worse I don't even know how to reach to those answers am I looking in the right direction or am I totally lost?

I ask myself can it get weirder? And the answer is yes of course it can, it can get weirder than I can phantom. But I tell myself don't give up you'll get use to it as it comes. And each day my level of endurance rises to survive in a weird world which is going higher on the curve of weirdness. Stranger things keep happening and I am nearing a level where nothing would seem to shock me or surprise me...now is it good or bad? Well, I guess categorizing events in to good or bad is a bad idea(he he...)

Eyes to see and ears to hear but what if you get to see more and hear more than you need to. All this extra information does nothing but disturbs you, its like you are in the middle of everything and can see everything that happens in different pockets. And you can connect all these random things. And the outcome is that you can see what the others can't. It becomes a shitty situation.

How can I cope up with other people's mood swing? One day you are gloomy, one day your are chirpy, one day you need your privacy and another day you wanna talk. And what am I to do is figure out what mood are you in today and act accordingly. There is no consistency or pattern what so ever. And if its a person I care about, it becomes even more tricky and tough to handle. So what should I do? The answer to this question is not with me. I am never sure that with the current mood swing the matching reaction to go is to leave the person alone or stick around and be supportive. And then if I know I really care about the other person and the feeling is not so much mutual or the level of concern doesn't match from the other side then its a different kind of a problem. But in this one the solution is more evident, since the other person in his or her mood swing even if he or she needs someone around, its not me that he or she is looking for. So all I have to do is just back off, but i...

15 minutes before class starts, I still have to scan a mind map I made(without using any mind), have to have breakfast and also have to read for the 8 am class. And what I am doing blogging... ha ha goes to show how responsible I am or since it's early morning I'll try and be positive it can also show that I am super efficient and can manage to finish these little nuances in a jiffy. Now coming to the truth, well both the options are correct to some extent to a degree I do not give a rats ass if I am not able to accomplish any of the items listed and to some extend I know I can manage to scrape unhurt... plain negligence or reluctance? Oh I got to go now... running late ;)

Feels like lull before the storm, its quite and uneventful. Something about Sunday evening that is so discomforting. And I can't put finger on what goes wrong but almost all the Sunday evenings are like this. Its almost like a sinusoidal wave with all the lows and highs. But such a patterned way of living is bloody predictable and it irritates me (well, too many things irritate me, that's nothing new). There is something about predictability that kills the life out of life.

Its afflictive when you wake in the middle of sleep because of nightmare...in cold sweat, numb and trying to get hold of the gasping. It sounds so much like a movie scene. But anyways it sucks even more when there just an hour of sleep time left and you can't put yourself to sleep. So here I am awake at this ungodly hour with now just 20 minutes left for me to get up and study after my SWEETdream limited my sleep to just 2 hours I am not sure whether I should get up or try some more to put myself to sleep. Wow this is like a serious problem and to add to that I suddenly feel hungry too... huh perfect timing my dear digestive system. Sometimes I wish human being had no stomach that would demand food every now then...Imagine such a world, it would be free of all problems like poverty, terrorism, obesity... And if we remove the love for money also then its like walking in air world peace finally achieved(so the girls in all beauty pageants will have to look for different answer, poor ...

There days no matter how much of a nomad you consider yourself you still want to be with the people you belong, people who love for who you are and are always there for you no matter what... your family. Its Diwali and I am missing home and I can think of nothing to do but blog my gloominess away.... but even this is not helping. Its a festival without the festivities...

Mighty vent for a meek soul... can't survive the ocean ridge. Essence lost in the interlingual rendition, brushed off to the nook of darkness, blight by the disease of poignancy, now awaiting the final demise to infinity. Elevate each day to choke and crumple but it ends today I declare it to... no more dying I am beat today. In the mystified nous of mine I can't interpret the look today so I quit and rest, for tomorrow the muddiness will endorse again. And maybe I will depute again to cleanse the asinine someday but that day is not today. It would someday be the day when I'll be brave and insane to endeavor... but that day is not today.

There are different kind of people when it comes to problems and them so the Psycho graphic segmentation of these people goes like this : -THE DOOMED: people who are plain unlucky and have a lot of problems (sorry fellows you are in a hopeless situation in a ruthless world with ) -THE ORIGINATIVE: they are the ones who are too bored in life (pathetic excuse of a life they have) so they create problems for themselves just to make things a little more happening (pump up the volume) -THE PEDESTRIAN: they are the ones who have the knack of walking in to problems (the artisans crafting their lives toward eternal chaos) -THE STICKIES: they just stay put and the universe conspires to guide problems to them (the inertia is too high can't run away, can't live with you and can't live without you too...) -THE AMALGAMATED: they are the geniuses who have perfected the art of problem dogging, these are walking talking problem sensor and attractors ( you should probably be good friends wi...

I ask myself can it get weirder? And the answer is yes of course it can, it can get weirder than I can phantom. But I tell myself don't give up you'll get use to it as it comes. And each day my level of endurance rises to survive in a weird world which is going higher on the curve of weirdness. Stranger things keep happening and I am nearing a level where nothing would seem to shock me or surprise me...now is it good or bad? Well, I guess categorizing events in to good or bad is a bad idea(he he...)

Blank is the feeling and not so blunt are the words... Its like a gypsy with no mission and no where to reach, he only arrives and he only travels not chasing anything. No dreams to follow but is still a dreamer, no highs to reach but is still a bird that flies high. This he chose by choice but is felicity in sight? Its a question not only the gypsy but we all ought to ask. Its dubious, the answer; and makes him diffident on rationality of existence... Another gloam arrives and again the rage of the seeker is choked a little more...

Sometimes you have to return to the place where you began, to arrive at the place where you belong... Don't know how to start this... there are days you just can not live with yourselves and the worst thing for an escapist like me is I can't run away from myself. Suffocated with ones own self must be a disease because it sure does feel sick... Lost but surely on the path to self destruction...

Are better days waiting ahead or is this the best I get? Is this the best I can get out of life or can it get any better? These are questions that run through my mind sometimes, but somewhere I have already given up. I have lost hope for a better tomorrow, somewhere along the time I was waiting for them I gave up all hope. And what drives a hopeless person? I think its just existing the curse of the hopelessly living; no choice but to be... Pretty depressing thoughts to be pondering on early in the morning but life is like that. Its monotonous, no thrill, chills or frills. But that's not because there are no up and downs but I have probably reached a stage where they just don't seem to effect me. But yes as the rule goes all the bad and sad things or events do get me but the happy ones just don't seem to effect at all. Finance talks about people being risk averse I guess I am happiness averse don't have the capacity to take or get too much... "And I don't want ...

Sometimes the significance and the insignificance of things just strikes you when you are busy gazing nowhere. Its like a realization that all of sudden grabs you with you only succeeding at failing. And if this happens at 4 in the morning when you have gotten up to get things done without distractions... you are busted. What can you do about whats happening inside the head, its more disturbing and difficult to shut it out then the external distractions. And then strings of thoughts come out and one of them went like this: Its October and we are already looking into the new year soon...Term 2 ends in December and things are going to change a lot after that. I go home in December, although I want to go home but the trip back home will harm the state I have created for myself of disassociating myself emotionally from people back home. That's just a way of self preservation I guess. I am so use to use to doing this otherwise I always am a stranger in the new place around new people an...

A lot of things we do in our lives are just wasteful activities but still we devote so much of energy and attention to them. And what's the end result, we drain ourselves of all the energy and lose part of our excitement towards life. Such baneful activities sap the life out of you and your will to keep moving forward. And all the rules we have in our lives are actually to forestall such things from happening. All the "should not..." and the "should..." that we create are just to build a wall around us and keep us away from useless but still harmful things in life. But these walls are not so impenetrable to protect us from the wasteful activities. Well, what can I do? As the saying goes "Ignorance is Bliss" I am sure someone more wiser and older than me came out with this quotation ( actually someone more wiser and older did come out with this quotation in 1742 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Gray so a saying which has survived through centuries mu...

I haven't written this but I believe in most of what is been written below, I wish I could perfect the art of detachment. What is detachment? Detachment is the: * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational. * Giving another person "the space" to be herself. * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people. * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing. * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life. * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence. * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelin...

Take a step back, take it slow and relax is the mantra for the long week... oh how much I am cherishing this weekend. Although there was this irritating FM exam but I was sitting in the exam hall just to get done with the stupid exam and get it off my chest and I feels so relaxed now. Its all over and every time I remember it a smile just covers my face( and it takes like a second for the smile to cover my face since I have such a big face). And the way I have been eating I think my face might just get even bigger. Its hard to believe but I ate for almost one and a half hour, ate so much that I guess the small Indian place had no food left. So much food amongst four people, I can so very well understand scarcity of food in some parts of the world. But I must say that eating good tasty food in huge quantities can give a high that no alcohol can give...the four of us were stammering as if we were a little tipsy...and the best part is no hangover the next day... ah, well I hope so. Movie:...

If words could kill IRR, NPV, DCF, MIRR would have killed me a million times by now… :(

This is the first weekend in the whole of my MBA till now that I feel a little relieved but when I say relieved it definitely doesn't mean that I have nothing to do. There is always shit loads of work to do here. But I feel relieved because 1 quarter of it over. So the week till now is spent in partying hard even though I am under major budgetary constraints. I hope the good times just keep on rolling and life if rocking...

Grass is always greener on the other side and when you reach the other side you just realized its wasn't grass it was Green carpet, that too a bad one.... Oh how much I wanted term 1 to get over so that the misery ends, did I know term 2 is going to be another bitter pill to swallow? Its a torture for my mind and soul, the bull shit is growing like bacterial colonies infecting more and more. But I guess its high time I accept the different colors and aspects of this course in a stride instead of yowling about it because BS will be ever present what has to change is my threshold limit of withstanding it. So lets see how Elastic can this limit be and may be along the way I change myself to be better suited to all facets of this MBA. Or perhaps some day dole out BS myself.... ahhh....nahhhhh.... not in a million years ;). But for now I think some one needs to watch out before the fury grows beyond confines.

September's here... its the month which always brings the feeling back of "oh! another year is coming to an end... what did I do in this year? How did I fair this year?" And often times the report card does not seem too good and then at a sub-conscious effort to put some stars on the chart starts. So here I go again revisiting month by month try to pick the faint memories from each month since most of the months go by without much buzz but this year its not the same every month has something to show for itself. So then I raise the bar, I go on and make the criteria stricter for any event to be star marked, this is how I inflict myself with the feeling of "oh nothing achieved like ever before" Probably I have gotten use to being tough on myself...

Grumpiness factor: In attempt to quantify my grumpiness quotient or factor I sit to write, weird thing to do but after being asked to quantify every damn thing everyday I have just gotten use to doing that but that no way means I have gotten good at it. It simply term 1 of this MBA is getting to me but it definitely does not mean that I have perfected the art of quantifying. Out of this damn MBA I would still get a few takeaways: number 1 plot any damn thing on a graph and make it look like some complicated crap which really affects our life and requires urgent attention; number 2 quantify the shit on the graph down to a table full of numbers for no one to understand. All perfect MBA should be able to do both these things and another important thing they should be able to do is faff, faff like there is no tomorrow, faff about any god forsaken thing on this earth and make it sound intelligent, and should convince the other person or at least confuse him. So the ultimate reality is that ...

Human being are social animals, and living in herds and communities comes naturally to them. And people who believe they are loners and recluse just chose to differ and somewhere they have faith in themselves and the concept of individuality does not scare them. And then there are people caught somewhere in the middle who know they would just love to be left alone, would love to get out somewhere and let no one know where they are, but not always. Its just some days, to connect to who you are and what you are turning into. These breaks from being a social creature is required when you want to shut all doors to world and be with no one but yourself and get all the welter sorted out. And to people who just want to keep to themselves these holiday to the their-land are more important than for people who live in our-land. I am trying to send myself to my-land before the clutter becomes unmanageable.

Why I am here? What's education for me? Does education here, fits in my idea of education? A fellow batch mate of mine asked in class "Are we trying to set a world record of the number cases we solve in an year?". Another one asked "If we do not know the theoretical concepts how do you expects us to sustain out there?" I came here with an idea that even though we'll have to work our asses off, the learning's will be tremendous and all the sweat will be worth it. But in reality we only work hard but the learning somewhere is missing. So the smart lot who realized it soon that it ain't fetching them anything just do the minimal amount of work and survive through this course. And may be along the way have fun and also learn a few traits that might actually be helpful in life more than the ability to crunch number; and make some real friends. So by sitting on the sidelines and cribbing about the whole system I chose to educate myself in life the real way...

Frustrations mounting high, sky high...why? Its like I am just going through the motions. MBA is an experience of a life time and all I am doing is trying to survive each day as it comes. The big picture is completely missing... Life is just been confined and boxed to cribbing about people and being shocked at how much Bullshit can people dole out in a day. And each day I end up asking is that what I came here for, each person here put a stop on their lives and dedicated themselves to this MBA in hopes of a better future... but today we are so not sure if that was a good decision... Looking beyond all this is difficult right now and I need some inspiration to move ahead and with same enthusiasm and energy I came here with. But it ain't coming... "Journey is the reward..."

I feel like a first grader sitting in a filling a blanks test, or may be perhaps participating in a 'guess the word' game. Why I am supposed to play this game, its not a class to increase my vocabulary its a class to build some concepts which are anyways in short supply. And I am supposed to feel dumb if I am not able to guess the right word... In the end my learning is zilch... and I have to struggle to decipher what word is the prof thinking about. For me to be able to understand or even guess where the professor wants to take the discussion I should be telepathic or have the fundamental in my head, but here the mode of operation is lets see if you know the word because we know you don't the it anyways. I don't know any concepts so don't make me guess, teach me because I am willing to learn and not wiling to participate in a guessing game.

Nothing works better than a walk in the rain to settle all the upheavals drudging in your head. A very long walk with the right music and a new roads to explore... When you don't know what you'll see curiosity takes over and you escape your real world(which in most probabilities sucks and that's why you are looking to break loose from it even for a while). And you forget what was bothering you. With every step you take you get further away from all misery But its a circle you ought to come back to the same place in the same state of affairs, its only a break that you get you cant escape reality for long. And if you don't take on the 'demons of today' today, things might blow up on your face soon leaving you to stupor.

It could not have gone worse than this, it was such a disaster that I am not able to put it in words. The agony of sitting through the economics class was too much to bear. And sitting in the first row when you haven't read the case and nothing is underlined or highlighted and the prof has a habit of peeping in your reading material just to check...oh you are screwed big time. I am actually preparing myself to accept that in all probabilities I might flunk Economics after the macro economics exam being so dreadful and atrocious as it was. And micro exam will victimize us further. And before economics was FM which is another bitter pill. Prescription: twice a week Side effects: Reduced mental capabilities through out the week Financial management, it sucks big time. And if I forecast the sucking power of FM from the past three cases it grows by 20%, so by the 5th case there will be vacuum. And as the butterfly effect/chaos theory goes in vacuum a flap of a butterfly in one part of t...

Its almost like each day in my life is competing to prove to be the worst than the previous. You live through a day that you thought was really bad and there comes another one. I am resetting my standard of a bad day each day... Its a bad day today and I have no hope for a better one tomorrow...

1. No sleep in the last 24 hours 2. Did not read the cases or the chapters for two out of three lectures 3. Finally CP in Bolante's lecture (that's pretty much the high point of the day in the pathetic excuse of a life I have right now... imagine) 4. Finally tried to sleep and exactly at that time all my roommates felt the urge to go on rattling on random topics, so no sleep again 5. Then I get my food, turns out it is burnt, so no food 6. And a warning (now that's too much wth) 7. And another one I am supposed to be working on the marketing strategy for a Sausages brand when I have no clue what the hell sausages are How many things can go wrong in a day? So without sleep, without food and I still have a lot to do, stuff that I cannot procrastinate on. My eyes are giving up already, the moment I close my eye they pain and I become teary eyed so I tell myself probably I need the cleansing, so let it rain, let it rain...

I have an exam tomorrow for nine hours I think its the first that I heard of an exam 9 hours long, sounds debilitating. And the worst part is that I've been trying to sleep for the last one hour but in vain. And my mind is wondering of in all directions and long forgotten memories coming back when all I want to do is to sleep. Now that's an ironic situation, before most exams I just don't have anytime to sleep but I am too sleepy then and now when I've given up sooner than usual I can't sleep. So i think am just gonna watch a boring movie to put myself to sleep, lets see if it works.

People can be the cause of your biggest worries in life and they can also be the biggest relief from all the disarrays in life. And here I get myself into situations of unrest but I am so glad there are few close friends(Few old friends and some new) who are always there to get me out of the shit. And there is also music to console the bruised soul, three of my favorite tracks which can get me back on the road to face more shit in life: 1.) Daniel Powter - Bad Day 2.) Rob Thomas(Oasis) Little Wonder 3.) Rob Thomas(Oasis) Wonderwall So with the two together - Friends and Music what more can you ask for!

The highs and lows in life are like an ongoing process you can never get ride of them. I know these ups and downs make life worth living otherwise it'll be so boring to exist. But my problem is when I am in a bad phase life seems like such a drag and I keep tormenting myself more and more and all I end up doing is lengthening the trough. Its like a vicious circle and I don't know how to break lose of it right now.

Its sucks having to give an exam just because of CP, I am pissed and agitated...

What would you do in a boring and a long class when the prof is just going on for like 2 hours and you have no freaking clue of what he is talking about and you aren't really interested too(I think that happens quite a lot with me these days, or since I am back to school probably I was always like this use wonder off to some other world. That's obvious because i am doing that right now too started talking about something and then jumped to something different). Anyways, that's me. So what to do in a long boring class, well I found a perfect way to stay awake and also look like I am concentrating hard on what the prof is saying and I am noting down the important stuff it did GRAFFITI :) And was fun too...

This is where I want to be right now. What kind of life is it, study, eat n sleep? No I don't want to study and I don't want to live my life like I am following a rhythm, no no no I just don't want to study, sleep eat and study. This country comprises of islands I wouldn't know that other than the map telling me it does. Thanks to a few friends I at least got to see the shore line. I really need to go away from here right now to keep my sanity intact. I wish I could just go to a quite place with mountains and only mountains all around.

I am so sleepy right now that I can sleep... Why do we have meetings at the wrong time all the time. Back in office when I wanted to leave work soon there would be a meeting late in the evening and would be an important one too. Its been like two months here and three months that I quit my job but it just doesn't feel like I ever worked. Hmmm three years in the same office and I am making a statement like this after three months away from work. That's actually pretty mean of me and I just hope no friend of mine from office reads this because I had really good time in office just because of my friends. But I do hope my manager reads this :D I detested him. But anyways, I am so sleepy right now.

When you get pleasure out of troubling people, then chances are you'll never be bored... HA HA HA

It's not the fear of flunking the eco exam that is keeping me going its the reward of just sitting through the exam that's keeping me going. Because after I am done with the huge task of tormenting my brain and coxing myself to believe I can actually think like an economist I will get to see ICE AGE III yeyyyyyy... How much can you understand about the economies of the world over a weekend? And can an amateur ever scale up to a full time economist... nay no chance. But foolish as I am, I still think something can be done even now... haha :), that's the pessimist in me telling the optimist to be realistic and not build fancy castles of imaginations. And the optimist has the counter argument that it high school economics. But unfortunately I am not in high school and in high school I never thought I'll ever have to regret not studying. So I have a plan tomorrow every sentence I am going frame will have one of these key words: aggregate demand or supply, Multiplier effect,...

Life with all its chaos, with things happening around you, you can't decipher, with so many events you can not seem to connect the dots and you just pray for things to get sorted out on their own. But all what happens is that life gets more twisted and everything seems cryptic. And there is no one to watch your back in a situation, no one to rely on. On your own in the middle of disarray and nothing to hinge on to... That's life in all its complications and in its ramifications. But you still find a path to sustain in this crazy world keeping your sanity intact(after writing this I realized I am rattling on like an insane person). Have I found my direction? I am struggling and fighting each day against my instincts and probably something called the inner voice I am not at peace with what I am doing, what I am becoming each day. That's chaos and I am probably not on the road that takes me home and with the kind of direction sense I posses I think I will be wandering for long...

Man I have never felt worse than this before. I think I am reasonably okay in catching on to new concepts but man today was a bad day. Innumerable number of financial ratios and my slow brain turned out to be a disastrous combination. But I would not be so hard on myself and give it the benefit of doubt by assuming that it was probably the lack of sleep taking a toll on my brain's speed and performance. Now that brings me to a point of decision that whether I should sleep for longer time to get back in form with my mind working well to survive yet another LOB quiz? The answer most definitely is YES. But its already 4:30 am and I have a 8:00 am class, hmmm... that's a problem. Taking a page out from Engineer college days(oh how wonderful were those days, I swear I never studied in one semester of engineering as much I study in a fortnight here) lets bunk the first lecture and anyways it marketing lecture about Malls in Philippines and I have not seen much of the malls in any cas...

They say MBA is all about meeting different kind of people and learning from their experiences, well then in that sense today was the first time I was doing an MBA cause I got some very interesting insights about career, direction, goals and life in general. And it felt like I have been educated at that moment. And on the lighter side MBA is about partying hard on a Friday night and that's what I am gonna do tonight. So here I go...

Even after an exam I get no sleep got to work even more, which is manageable but then my brain is exhausted after studying about earning per shares and stock holders equity. And now I am back to analyzing a bank's debit card sales pattern. How boring could life be... But the main problem I almost thought I did a PhD on the topics that came in today's quiz but still LT could come out with questions I had no freaking idea bah... I give up no point studying too much and loosing out on your sleep. So in revolt I am not reading anything for tomorrow's class and sleeping early today.

In the state of existence we go through umpteen number of emotions everyday, some decipherable and some not. And it all depends how much do you keep things simple and how much clarity is there in thoughts and thought process. If you have too many feelings and thoughts that you can't seem to decode and its all jumbled up and setting it all straight is like a impossible task then that's "Impasse". Being at a dead is when you got to reorient yourself because there is no other way out. But what happens when the direction you take after reorientation puts you on another dead end path?... Are you lost again?

Life can be weird sometimes and so can people. Both just don't stop to surprise you and on second thoughts sometimes you are surprised with your own reactions. Imagine laughing your heart out when you are under immense stress and tensions(Hysteria Struck :D). Just when you think you are nearing the tipping point and you can't go on the way you are going any more you find some more courage and strength from inside you and start off all over again. Probably that is what I am doing, now more often then ever before. Going through everyday seems such a big effort that I have to cox myself each day, but I do, everyday; and successfully till now... but I am not so sure for how long. And I am asked what is the problem, why I am feeling like this and why am I so miserable when everything is manageable I get my share of fun too its just not all work. So what wrong? I don't know but I am not happy... But why am not happy, when I am doing what I always wanted to do? But that does it me...

Before coming to AIM one of the Alumni told me you'll actually wait for a theory class instead of it being regular case discussion classes and today seemed to be our lucky day with both the morning lectures being theory classes, or it just seemed so. Lecture 1 covered a topic I thought I knew but to my surprise it went completely bonkers in those un-chartered territories. Then came economics and we were made to realize we can't even understand high school economics how can we ever grasp real world economics. And so theory classes weren't really a relief from cases but we became a case of surprise for our profs poor them... and as for us... HA HA... there seems to be no retreat.

There is a conflict that's going on in my head- whether should we know everything before hand and act in the knowledge of whats to come or should we get to know things as and when they happen and respond spontaneously. I am sure there would be a lot of people who would find it much better to be prepared thoroughly before they get into the act because sometimes life does not give you second chances. But then can you live all your life knowing what's next in line and being prepared for it? Won't that be too much of predictability, it'll be really boring? There would be many who would nod to that thought, who would want to live life one day at a time. But where do I picture myself. I don't want to know everything that's gonna happen around me, suspense is a great interest holder and attention grabber for me otherwise I would just loose interest in my own life and that's not gonna be good. But then I don't think I would love to be thrown in unpredictable sit...

Hah....! after a lethal weekend with LOB its finally done at least for a couple of days, and that's a big relief no matter if its going to be short lived. I made it such a big deal and as my friend put it 'Over hyped it' that a day without LOB is bliss(there you go there is a silver lining to it too). But the highlight of the day is that after struggling with LOB and fighting my phobia I might just be able to pass the exam or so I hope. So its party time here! And chilling out with friends away from the college (200 meters away) is well deserved. But partying too much on a weekday can have a damaging effect on the complete week and since its only Monday I don't want to mess up my week after a great start. So I should get back to my books again. PS: What is the phobia of accounting called?

I am scared of exams specially when I am clueless about what the subject is all about, but this time is the added stress of so many other factors which is making me get that sinking feeling. I have build it up so much in my head that somehow I can't see beyond this stupid test and its actually not helping me its making me paranoia. I am constantly telling myself its not the end of the world few months from now when I look back I'll just laugh about it... but again hindsight everything seems OK and cause its already done with. Why I am killing myself over it...

There is a kind of silence around which unnerving it feels cold in the in the stillness that prevails today. Then there is the anxiety of the exam on Monday. So I can't help but make the connect could it be the lull before the storm? Or may be its because a lot of people have hit the pubs, discotheques and beaches already (some people do have a life at least on a Friday evening). And what I am I doing I am studying in the library(where silence rules) so its obvious I will hear no noises and its going to be quite around. What's the big deal in that, so after the this TP I better get back to studying LOB or else it'll actually be the lull before the storm. Gosh I am shit scored of LOB, I am not so good with languages anyways.

The feeling of being lost is like being at home these days because since the day I have come here that’s been a constant feeling with me in class, while studying or in group discussions. So what I am wondering is it natural to be so lost, disoriented and alienated with the place you are in. I doubt I'll ever manage to come out of a situation like this. That's what happens when you don't know why you are doing what you are doing and the irony is that this also means you are lost. I am sure after the previous statements the readers would also be lost. Just now someone said ‘Sir, Can you please repeat I am a little lost here’ that’s comforting to know that I am not the only one, but the fact is all of us are a little lost here, it’s the degree of lost that matters and I am lost big time.

When you are damn sleepy and really don't know whats going on in the lecture anyways the best thing you can do to be awake is blog HA HA, then you also look like you are concentrating hard on solving the some damn sampling problem :) Since its in the middle of the lecture I am keeping it short...

Everyday of struggling more and more in studying is making me realise MBA is not about studying at all, although I am still figuring what is it about but its definitely not just about studying and becoming a number crunching machine. The little idea that I have got till now of what MBA is about is that its about having the maximum fun under maximum stress and tension. Its about discovering your own strengths and weaknesses (basically a very costly way of doing SWOT analysis) and working on you strengths to be the best in your area(what is my area of expertise is still to be discovered but I am hoping it'll happen all in time) and still being able to manage in your weak areas because you are expected to be quite between a master and a jack of all trades. And having some very supportive friend always helps :-D. So chai, dev, payal and swati you guys rock.

Things could have been worse! I tell myself even though they are quite bad already, that's the magic of clinging on to a ray of hope. But like everyday of my MBA where I feel completely out of tune in class not knowing what the prof is talking about and still trying to make some sense and connecting it with the very little I know, even today was such a day. Although it was a Saturday a day when normal people chill out, I am stressed. Why? because I know suck at accounting and finance subjects and I realised I suck at Quantitative analysis too which supposedly engineers are supposed to be good at (please pay head its just a supposition). So its pretty clear the exam was a bouncer and its all fucked up in my head, and to make things worse I have an Accounting exam on Monday, many cases to be done and a corporate strategy to be framed over the weekend when I have no strategy of my own to survive the MBA. I think by the end of this (if I survive) I would be knowing all the things I can...

When someone asks you what are your plans for the future and your impromptu reaction is oh me! I want to do an MBA. Well then please ask yourself a question 'Why do you want to do an MBA?' because believe me if you do not have a definite reason for doing MBA then the MBA will do you. You'll be put under trunk load of stress and chunk load of work, you'll have to manage assignments, lectures, cases, group discussion, presentations, quizzes and lots more all in a day. And when you are back from college you'll hit the library to prepare for the next days marathon and you definitely can't survive without preparing for the next day and if you fail to do it even once you'll be finding everything going in a tangential direction. So under such conditions you tend to question - was I struggling to get into a B-schools to go through this stress which keeps you on your toes all the time? But then there is a school of thought and I subscribe to it too that going through...

There’ll be greenery all around, there be uncontaminated waters in rivers and lakes, there will be unpolluted air, there will be new life forms thriving and co-existing in a balanced ecology on earth the planet will be a bright blue dot again visible from far far away in space. The earth will regenerate itself to its nascent state because the earth has all the time in the world. It’s us who do not have much time left, its unfortunate for us the human race that we won’t be around to see the earth in all its beauty like the beauty of a new born and the peaceful look of a child in deep sleep, but it’s not going to be so unfortunate for the earth because only when we have disappeared from the face of this earth will the cleansing process start to slowly but certainly remove all evidence that we were ones here exploiting and abusing all offered to us to us by the earth. As many environmentalists are saying that its not just the 11th hour but its the 11th hour 59th min and 59th sec and soon ...

A friend of mine did a tarot card reading for me sometime back and told me that I have everything I need around me but there is still a void... And then I start to ponder if that’s true and if it is, what am I missing... And the same string of thoughts lead me in another direction that my life is undergoing certain major changes and the kind of changes I’ve been striving for quite a long time and now finally when it’s happening why am I not elated? Why I am not capable of feeling the satisfaction of achieving my goal? Why I am not keenly looking forward going to a completely new place and doing what I was wanting to do for a long time? Life feels dull when you just live, not feeling extreme happiness and sadness (sadness still sticks to me but not the happy moments). I’ve been made to grow up on the concept that nor should you get too excited in happy times and neither get too depressed in sad times. Now as my friend puts it, conceptually it’s something that works well but along t...

Wake up call can be of different form for different people. For few it could be someone close’s death, for some it could be loosing wealth or a huge deal at work or for others going through a near to death experience. But the point is you got to loose something important or your sense of security has to be shaken to be woken up. Why is that a shock always has to the be the eye opener?.... It could be because we need to be jolted from our constant state of running and the momentum or in some case the inertia to catch a breath and take a look around to measure the chaos we are in and the balance we were constantly disturbing till now. So we need the shock for us to arrive at the confrontation point. But on second thoughts I believe life does give subtle hints to get some correction in our lifestyles and attitude towards things but we turn a blind eye towards the faint clues and keep moving towards the course of bigger blunders. And when something goes wrong in a big way we curs...

When you start with a new habit which is good for you or healthy like going for morning walks, not cutting in a conversation or being polite to people you tend to do it very consciously and religiously for no. of days equally proportional to the number of people knowing about the new resolution plus or minus how actively do these people look for opportunities of getting back at you for all the leg pulling that you inflicted on them. And as soon as the habit approaches it shell life you tend to get busy for walks, short on time to completely listen to a single person at a point of time and politeness becomes a sign of weakness suddenly and aggressiveness is the name of the game. So resolutions are more like you looking for a change and putting yourself out there to get a changed perspective just to realize you were doing OK before you decided to take up this extra hassle of leading a healthier life or being a nicer person which you are just not capable of being. Switching topics d...